When You Need a Story

Sometimes, we just need to hear the stories of God's grace and goodness in someone else's life. Just to remind us Who He Is and what He is capable of and the He is still listening and moving on behalf of those He loves.

Last week I took a walk with a friend whose mom is fighting cancer. Honestly, I wondered what we should talk about. Are there safe topics? Helpful ones? After awhile, I felt comfortable sharing with her a story of God's surprising goodness in our family business. It was a story of praying at the beginning of the month and asking the Lord to show up in a significant, amazing way that would clearly be HIM. . . and at month end, we were so surprised. HE did incredible things while we were unaware. At the end of the month when we looked for Him, His fingerprints were clear.

The friend said she was so encouraged to know that God is still listening and still answering. When she prays, it seems the words fall flat and she struggles to have hope.

I know the feeling.

The Lawyer and I keep chipping away at the law school debt and yet the situation appears practically hopeless to us. The debt seems insurmountable, our efforts paltry. We would like to have our own home, some land. . . the porch swing from our garage shelves hanging again. . . flowers and berries and fruit trees. . . Our dream feels so far off. It's hard to pray about it. We sometimes feel forgotten. We've asked the Lord to show up big in this and yet we don't feel the burden lifting and we don't see ANY way that we can change things or move or pay off the debt for such a long time. It's terribly disheartening. The Lawyer has been intentional. His accounting is meticulous. His leadership is excellent. He has grown, repented, sought counsel, and is following a good plan. It's just a very long process for us.

Then, our dear friends (who also took Financial Freedom with us) buy an incredibly (huge) beautiful house on 35 acres overlooking the breathtaking mountains- debt free. Yes. Really. We admit our jealousy and the pain of the process stings again. And my friend tells me the story and it's a story I needed to hear.

A year ago, during our class together, this family committed to buy their next house without incurring debt. My friend wondered what kind of house they would end up in, and we laughed over what was surely coming- a majorly uncomfortable downsizing for their family of (at the time) eight. (This was really interesting because their house was about twice the size of ours!) When they actually began preparing for a move and looking at houses, she was unpleasantly surprised by how little they would get for the cash they had. And YET they trusted the Lord.

Over the past year this family has moved from their home here in Woodlake to a rental near Roanoke. Their rental home was larger than their Woodlake home and they paid roughly the same amount for it monthly. It was lovely and amazing and a blessing to their family. Their house here sold after six months. Through various other circumstances, they were able to save enough money to purchase a house in the exact location they desired. . . a bigger house than their rental. . . with more land than they had thought possible. . . with the money they had available. They couldn't do that a year ago, and yet this is the place the Lord has brought them to now.

I needed to hear her story to remember that . . .

1214) The Lord honors our commitments to Him when we are committing to His way. (Thankful for The Lawyer's commitment to honor and obey the Lord.)

1215) The Lord delights to move on behalf of those He loves and show Himself strong. (Thankful that we WILL see Him again.)

1216) Nothing is impossible for the Lord

1217) God knows my dreams and desires, too. (Thankful to be known and loved.)

1218) There are seasons to pass through... rentals and restarts and holding patterns. . . but the destination will be grand. (Thankful for this season that leads me closer to glory.)

1219) We are so blessed with children, our heritage, and our family time together is precious. (Thankful for children and family ties.)

1220) Stories of God's goodness bless us and bless others. The telling and the hearing are good for our souls. (Thankful that I have stories to tell and that there are people in my life who share stories with me.)

Falling Forward, Holding On

Today, Ann wrote about not wanting a new year. Instead, she wants a new self. I can relate.

When I look back at 2012 I see my lists of things that did not get accomplished. I see where my hopes and plans went amok and I gave them up. I see the kids' school schedule still hanging forlornly on the wipe board, seldom used despite my best intentions. There is daily mess- clothes, schooling, books, food, dishes, toys. . . it is endless.

These days, this is about all I see. It seems to take all day just to get through the basics. Today the only thing I felt we "accomplished" was thank you notes to grandparents for Christmas gifts. Those four little white envelopes by the door seemed to mock me; all I had to show for the day (and I didn't do much beyond spelling everything and giving a refresher to the kids on writing addresses and friendly letters. I'm still a bit embarrassed by the end result, my "home school excellence" pride shaken.).

Before G was born, I wondered how I would find time to add time for nursing a baby into my day. I knew it would happen, but couldn't quite picture it. Now, I'm living it and wondering how I managed to do all that I did before. I can't quite remember it. I used to have time to school the kids and make three meals a day and do two loads of laundry? And once upon a time I had a little business, too.

I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all. I feel like I'm falling further behind by the day. Can't. keep. up. Just want a shower, and quiet time and exercise, and food and sleep. . . is that too much?!

And now it's a new year and this is when I like to set goals and assess things and make plans. But not this year. It's not that I don't want it. . . but I don't know how to do anything else with my messy self but fall onto GRACE. I don't have any will to plan, any strength to try harder. By nature I strive and press (and kick against the goads?!) and I feel ready finally to give that up. It's not possible right now.

I have a friend who said that her word for 2013 is OFFENSIVE. She is going to pray offensively for her children, train them proactively. . . It sounds like what I want to do.

I prayed for a word for 2013. What I heard was "hang on"- which is technically two words, so it probably isn't divine. Cling or abide would sound much better, but no... I still sense HANG ON is for me in 2013. (Probably the Lord is having to keep things super simple for me right now in my sleep deprived state.)

So... I want to hang on in 2013, falling forward (as Ann said) into grace, clinging to the cross (my only hope!) no matter what. And my holding on really means I'm calling out to Jesus to hold me. No matter what, He says He's got me. No matter the mess in my house, the mess in my heart. It's not too much for Him. All of 2013 is not too much for Him.

Gifts 991+

I am only 10 gifts away from finishing my posted blog list of 1000 gifts, inspired by Ann Voskamp's blog. It has taken me weeks, however, to actually sit and type these final few. For some reason, I feel like they should be really, really good to finish well. And yet, I'm not really finishing anything. This exercise of noting gifts is still working in me and I'll keep noting gifts now that I am in the practice of looking for them. There are so many! Sometimes I use that as my excuse not to actually write them. I tell myself I'll just think about them. But I don't. So, I need to keep writing, noticing gifts and calling them out and lingering over them and thanking the Lord for all of these.

991) First family vacation. A lovely week in the Smokey Mountains with friends.
992) Friends that go back 12 years. Sweet to share memories and history and to still journey together.
993) Boys climbing mountains, sitting on huge boulders, tubing down rivers, digging in dirt.
994) Fireflies lighting up outside our window.
995) Mountains unveiled as mists trail away.
996) Sunsets all purple and pink and gold and blue over the mountains- simply breathtaking.
997) Peppermint tea with ice cubes on a hot day.
998) M falling asleep in my arms.
999) Bigger boys adoring younger ones. L the only girl princess. Laughter and teasing and forgiveness.
1000) Brakes that didn't give out on the mountain! Safety through it all (mostly!) and countless reasons to praise Him for His faithfulness!
1001) Sweet, amazing surprises.

Just Some Notes on Transition

Well, ya'll. I've been quite a disappointment in the blogging world. Most of my readers have given up on me, I think. For good reason: lack of interesting posts. I've come to realize that even when I post things that are interesting to me (good recipes or books for example), that just isn't as good as a good story. And the story of our family and of our lives unfolding is the good stuff. I could be wrong, though. Maybe it's just me who loves a good story.

The past year(s) have been challenging (but oh! so grace-filled). Since we moved here to Midlothian last summer I've just felt that we were in a season of transition.

I saw this painting at a yard sale yesterday and wistfully told The Lawyer that I really, really liked it. I didn't think he would approve such a purchase (because PracticalMe wouldn't!), but I'm so glad he did! This Winslow Homer painting, "Breezing Up," just captures something for me. It makes me think of my boys and their gracious, outdoorsy dad. I love the light on the water and yet the clouds overhead. Things have felt a bit stormy in our life and yet there has always been light on our way. These boys don't seem concerned at all (no life jackets! gasp!). What confidence we put in a father. No matter the waves or the clouds or the slant of the boat or the view on the horizon. . . this crew seems relaxed in the journey. I think they are enjoying their time with their dad.

So things have felt a bit tumultuous here with a move and many changes. I want to relax in the adventure, to put this kind of trust in my Dad, to recognize that I'm riding in light and it's good. I want to blog all the gifts I see and to see gifts all around me- but I start and stop, start and stop, and haven't even finished my list to 1000. We're in transition; I feel things changing. I'm not sure where the wind is taking us, but I believe it is breezing up.

Breezing Up by Winslow Homer

• We are renting a house (that I hope not to live in for too long!). It's quite small for our growing family. Three boys share one room. M has a crib mattress under L's bed that we pull out for naps and night. Our dining room table and chairs share space with our "office" desk/chair and our bookshelves, couch, and living room chair. Between meals we drop the ends of the dining table so that there is room to walk around it. I have at least three boxes of kitchen supplies that I utilize regularly from the garage because our kitchen doesn't hold all of our needed items. Hear that we are thankful, however! We have space enough and really enjoy our neighborhood trails and beautiful lake. We have incredible landlords who bring gifts for our children and attentively work on household maintenance. Mr. B is a grandfatherly figure to our children. This is just not where I want to be very long. I have a desire for our own space that I can clean and organize and keep simple and live in with our family. An old farmhouse perhaps? Or an open floorplan cabin? Something with trim and hardwood and lots of light and character...
• The Lawyer's job still perplexes us. Again, we are SO grateful. Many of our law-school friends are still trying to find suitable work or are simply working anywhere to pay their bills. We had the amazing surprise of a raise! And yet we wonder what toll eight more years of this work may have on our family.
• Along with the house and the job decisions, we still contemplate moving back to IL. There is just something uncomfortable to us about being so very far from family. We made the decision for me to move back with the children to live with my Grandpa. . . and then he passed away quickly. Without that apparent "need" for us to move, we continually weigh IL and VA in the balance.
• We leave the IL/VA decision IN the balance. . . because it doesn't really matter what we want to do so much. We don't have the ability to DO anything right now (as in: make a major cross-country move).  First, The Lawyer doesn't have a job there and would have to take the IL bar. Secondly, The Lawyer and I have committed to doing all we can to eliminate our debt. 
• We have a Dave Ramsey debt snowball going on. Everything "extra" from our house sale has gone to reduce debt. The great news: in the past year we have gone from eight debts to four. Praise the Lord! The hard news: those were (for the most part) the smallest debts. Three were not charging us interest and two of them we weren't even making monthly payments on. Rather than spend a lot of money moving our family across several states, we are choosing to live as frugally as possible and pay off as much as we can while we are here. ("Here" loosely means in this rental house, which we have renewed lease on for one more year.) This also means that I haven't added any "extras" for the kids in the way of lessons or sports or pool passes. I'm rethinking this now, wondering if scarcity thinking leads to lack more than lack of money leads to lack.
• When we left Lynchburg I sold or gave away nearly every baby item we owned and any furniture I thought we could live without. That has been good in this small house. We have talked a lot over the past year about our family. The Lawyer feels maxxed out (rightly so! He has special responsibility as a provider. We are soundly filling this home and we don't want to add expenses as we ruthlessly pay off our debt). I have had a hard time thinking that we would never add children to our family again. We've talked about adoption and foster care, being "done" and "leaving it to the Lord." This has been a challenging area for us and a source of tears and much prayer on my part.
• We've had questions about church and where we want to worship. Our family has visited several different churches, looking for a service that would be suitable for our entire family and one in which we saw people authentically living out and talking about the Gospel. We wanted to hear God's Word and wanted to sing unto the Lord. My ideals have been countered, however, with the convenience of choosing something closer to home and a place where we knew a few people. These are a few of the things that make our church appealing. We really like where we are. But if we knew we were going to live here for years to come, we might choose differently. 
• The end of one school year is upon us and I'm already eagerly looking at materials and thinking about how to spend our summer "light" school time and what we want to tackle in the fall. More transition! There are some things that didn't work for us so well this year (children finishing all their work each day, me grading each day, leaving book time until afternoon...). We are celebrating many achievements, though! There is a new reader in our house and a much-improved reader. Boys have learned Latin and math, history and science (and a few other things along the way). And I have hopes for the fall.

Cover in Your Garden

Our family watched this inspiring movie last weekend. Back to Eden opened our eyes to the importance of covering the earth and looking at creation to see how to follow the Creator (as pertains to growing food). We were so encouraged and excited by this; it has us itching for our own land where we can plant and grow. (Thank goodness we have a TowerGarden here at our rental home!)

The boys have made lists of plants we would want in our gardens- and the list is exhaustive! O even put cabbage on (his least favorite) and L agreed to asparagus (for everyone else's sake). Plus, our desire for chickens has grown. We saw in the movie how beneficial it was to have chickens to feed plant waste to and how helpful chicken waste was in the garden. This was coupled with our trip to Lynchburg last week where we visited dear friends who have several acres- and chickens. The kids loved gathering eggs with their friends and watching the chickens scratch in the dirt. Several egg loving boys were enthused by the experience.

So... we wait and plan and pay off loans and pray for the Lord to lead us to our own place.

If you have a little time, be inspired by Back to Eden!

Preparations for Sabbath

Even though I know that preparing for the Sabbath is important, it often becomes the last thing I do on Saturday night. Having our food planned and ready (assembled or cooked) for the Sabbath allows me to do less on our day of rest. Having the laundry finished and put away (for one day!) is another of my goals so that no one needs anything that isn't clean on the Sabbath.

As I head to bed, the children are clean with their clothes laid out for church (especially things like belts and tights!). There are warm oatmeal bars covered and cooling. Bread is in the bread machine. Pancakes are soaking. Lentil soup is in the fridge. The house is picked up and my Bible and "Jesus Calling" wait on my bed.

So, the first born, perfectionist, rule-maker in me makes rules for the Sabbath and tries to make the Sabbath restful even as I acknowledge that I cannot keep the Sabbath; I cannot make anything holy. Even as I break the Lord's command I create new "laws" for myself. It's such folly.

Here I am, trying earnestly to prepare for the Sabbath for all the right reasons (to rest, to seek the Lord with an undivided, undistracted heart, to give my family space to rest). Yet my wicked heart still yearns to make a law apart from the law that I maybe, perhaps could sometimes keep. (But if I don't, I'll be angry on the Sabbath.)

Oh, turn with me to the Lord of the Sabbath! He bears with us in our weakness and makes holy a people for himself. Only in Him can we find rest for our souls.

Unique

Last year (2011), my theme was JOY. I wanted to seek out, look for, take note of, and increase joy in my life. (And did you see; I only have 110 gifts to list on the blog before I reach my own [published] 1000!) About midyear it also struck me that I was aiming to live a principled life. Joy, after all, is a choice and an attitude that can be cultivated. There are principles (that God put in place) in life that I want to follow so that we can maximize our life (and live life to the PLUS!).

This year my mantra may be "Unique!" It's not what I would consciously choose and yet I've caught the word flying from my lips over and over in the past week. It starts with that insidious little comparison; before I know it I'm thinking about how our family isn't as good as that other family in whatever respect or I'm not as organized, crafty, fun, etc. as the super-moms I know or I'm just so tired of being in debt (blah, blah blah). The principle is: you reap what you sow. And: what you send out you will receive. And: what you think about grows bigger. And: only you can change your thoughts.

So, I've caught upon this little phrase, "Our family is unique!" No other family has our size, our personalities, our challenges, our skills, our address. And we have a great life. And that is what I want to focus on.

I'm loving the freedom I feel in embracing this idea. God has given us what we need for this time. Things look different for our family than they may look for other families- because our unique people have been given a unique set of circumstances. Oh, that grace would fill the working out of this!

As I look at our family, I see these gifts in us and given to us:
872) The fun of having a 20 month old, with new words every day.
873) The happiness we all have in teaching M new words and hearing his new phrases.
874) Lots and lots of trips to the potty with M (who is in underwear).
875) Lots of sheets to wash after wet beds.
876) Daughter L (6) with blondest hair growing long.
877) She tells me that she heard the "bee" reminding her to be truthful.
878) She becomes a horse and trots M through the house.
879) T (4) and finally seeing skin through his rash! Praise to the Healer!
880) T, known as the cheerful one, fetching an apple each morning for The Lawyer.
881) T, always hungry.
882) R (8), infections smile, goofy laugh, such exuberance!
883) R, writing in his journal. Putting pen to paper.
884) Clothes all over the boy room. Every day. All times of day. Inexplicable.
885) Oldest son O (10), waving large from the highest branches of the pine at the park.
886) My heart so warmed at the sight of O writing Latin and bent over math.
887) Willingness to swallow capsules if it will save a few dollars.
888) Excitement over pretzels, pistachios, and Greek yogurt.
889) Reading all over the house; books scattered; children "missing," reading in closets.
890) Amazingly warm winter days when I rake the leaves in January.
891) A yard that lacks grass (but we don't own it) yet has moss.
892) M says "lean! lean!" and wants me to jump on the trampoline with him.
893) A fun night with friends and good food and conversations to think on.
894) Federal holidays when The Lawyer is home with us.
895) Early morning alarms and exercising.
896) Parsley. (yum!)
897) Listening to The Baby Conference audios.
898) Sipping hot water.
899) Delivering food to new/expecting moms.
900) Christmas cards and notes from loved ones far away.
901) Feeling poor in so many ways, and humbled to be part of this anyway.

New Year

"O Lord,
Length of days does not profit me except the days are passed in thy presence, in thy service, to thy glory.

Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour. . . 

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with thee, O Father, as my harbour,
the, O Son, at my helm,
thee, O Holy Spirit, filling my sails."
(from Valley of Vision)

Living the Dream (Board)

I have a dream board sitting in front of me on the desk. Sometime in August I put together this cork board square covered with images and words that inspire me and express my hopes and dreams. There is a couple walking under towering trees, a family biking under a wide blue sky, three kayaks on a lake, a boy with a magnifying glass, and a barn at dusk with lights glowing softly from within. It tells me "I can do this: make water my friend" and "Kids trump career and ministry" and "Enjoying Everyday Life" and "Putting First Things First."

And I've been thinking about this.

The Lawyer and I have felt a bit disillusioned here, renting and wondering where we will be a year from now or five years from now. Try as we may, it feels next to impossible to make a dent in our debt and still feed our family. It doesn't seem that we're moving "forward" or headed toward the goals and dreams we've talked about. . . and put on the dream board. And the children are growing up so quickly and the years are passing by.

I think about this.

We're in an amazing place. Hard, yes. Still, I have the sense that this is a particularly special year of our lives. Perhaps because it is a clearly defined brief time (1 year rental) it reminds me of another short season in our lives when, as newlyweds, we lived in a boathouse for a year. It was tough! We were learning how to be ONE and it was challenging. It was also such a sweet time and no other season has been quite like it. Something about this season feels like that to me.

Difficult as our situation seems, there is something very good about it. I see the Lord's provision here- not just provision for our daily bread (which He has supplied), but provision for our hearts and a revelation that He knows our dreams and holds us still.

One of my dreams is to live on or near water. During our first year of marriage (when we literally lived on the water!), I was comforted by the rhythm of the lake. We fed the fish, dangled toes in the water, went out on the pontoon boat, learned to water ski, took the canoe out in the early morning, and watched the sunlight and the moonlight reflect off the water. We always heard the water. We could see the weather coming by observing the surface of the lake. I grew to love it. There is water on my dream board.

We are currently living in a community that is built around a reservoir. It is a spectacularly beautiful, large lake that is only a short walk from our house. There are walking paths along the lake as well as public docks and scenic overlooks. I am living my dream of living near water.

In Lynchburg it was difficult to take family bike rides- not only was it dangerous for us to take everyone on the steep hills near our home, but we couldn't take them to the trails because we didn't have means to transport six bikes. Yet taking family bike rides is a dream of mine. The Lawyer loves to ride. I love to be outside with everyone. Here, there are miles of trails beginning right at the end of our cul-de-sac. The kids and I are out on bikes nearly every other day and The Lawyer joins us on weekends. It makes me so happy to see all of us streaming down the street. I'm living my dream of family bike rides.

So. . . my heart is encouraged! I dream and plan; the Lord directs my steps. He gives me the desires of my heart (first, for Him and for His will), graciously, generously, surprisingly.

781. Water nearby.
782. Family bike rides.
783. Boys catching turtles, frogs, grasshoppers. . .
784. Squash puree (adding nutrition to so many things!)
785. The first week with food left over at the end. Such a good feeling!
786. Reading books in the grass with the children.
787. Proverbs daily. Over and over and over. Sowing seeds.
788. Dream board reminders.
789. M's kisses.
790. Peppermint on headaches.

Principled ProActivity

I chose two words this year to define what I'm trying to achieve: principled and joy.

In search of JOY, I read Ann's book 1000 Gifts and started listing my daily gratitudes (again!). I sought Scripture on joy to meditate on. The children and I are intentionally spending time outside looking for glory in creation, glory that draws us in thankfulness to the Creator. When I recognize Him in all things, I have joy for all things.

The word "principled" stood out to me when I read Stephen Covey's book First Things First. There are principles in place in life that I just can't override (if I don't sleep I will not be able to think clearly, et. cetera); therefore, I can choose my actions based on principles and know what the outcome will be. If I am generous, I will be blessed. If I take care of my health now I will enjoy better health in the future. This basic thought grounded me and sobered me- I have limited time and energy and wishing that things would be different won't change them and doing something that feels good now "because I want to" will have consequences somewhere down the road. This thought has also brought me great freedom and satisfaction- because I have the power to choose! And it feels so good to choose right things. Somewhere along the road I became more indulgent and less disciplined. "Disciplined" sounds hard to me right now but "principled" inspires me. Once I read, "Do something necessary but unpleasant every day" (but I can't find who said it; sorry!). I'm embracing this.

The choices we make now largely determine the choices we will have later. This is often seen with our health. Covey says:


"Most of us realize that a good percentage of the health problems we have are lifestyle-related. Without an extreme "wake-up call," such as a heart attack, many of us live in a rescue fantasy. We live the way we want to live- little or no exercise, poor nutrition, burning the candle at both ends- and when we have a problem we expect the medical profession to pick up the pieces. While we may be able to diminish the pain with prescriptions and Band-Aids, if we're really going to make a difference, we need to go to the underlying root cause of the pain. We need to attend to prevention in a profound way." Stephen R. Covey on "The Urgency Addiction" in First Things First

I love this; it is what I aim to inspire other families to do: choose to attend to prevention. In that spirit, here is a great video of Bear Grylls. If you like this, check out his other clips (I especially like the one on children's health!)

Memorizing Colossians

The kids and I have the goal of memorizing the book of Colossians this year. We have worked through the first chapter of Colossians and are moving into chapter two. At this point, O and I can recite the first chapter by memory- if we help each other out. Once we can do it flawlessly, we plan to reward ourselves with a celebratory ice cream date.

This month we started on Colossians 2. Our basic plan is to say the previous verses every day (so at the end of last month we were saying the entire first chapter each day), then we learn the new verse (or portion of a verse if it is very long). I like to use some ASL to help us with this, and it teaches us another language. We then say the new verse 10 times. Each day, the big boys (age 7 and 9) are to review their verses by themselves by using the memory section of their binder. There, I've given them this version, which I find really stretches our brains and helps us commit the Word to memory.

What about you? Are you sowing God's Word in your heart? Helping your children? I'd love to do this better.

Using the first letter of each word looks like this:
Colossians Chapter 2
1 F I w y t k h g a s I h f y a f t a L a f a w h n s m f t f, 2 t t h m b e, b h t i l, t r a t r o f a o u a t k o G's m, w i C, 3 i w a ha t t o w a k. 4 I s t i o t n o m d y w p a. 5 F t I a a i b, y I a w y i s, r t s y g o a t f o y f i C.

Journey to JOY

My vow to the Lord was that if He woke me up in the 5 a.m. hour I would get up and spend time with Him. I had the unexpected joy of that time this morning and can hardly believe that my family is just now stirring. (While The Lawyer is gone most of the children are up by 6:15!)

This morning I flipped back through things I've written down in these quiet times over the past months. These stood out to me:

"He has to keep results that are encouraging away from us until we learn to trust him without them." (A.B. Simpson)
- This reminds me of my recent post that things aren't all seeming to work out the way I thought/hoped. What a great opportunity for me to trust more!

Psalm 5:3
"O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I direct my prayer to you and watch."
- I'm so thankful for this morning time with the Lord and the reminder that He is already working all of this out and I can simply pray and watch. Not only will these details come clear (house, car, clothing we need, financial burdens), but our eternal hope of glory will be seen!

"But, O what death it is to strive and labor, to be always in a hurry and yet do nothing." (Valley of Vision)
- I am learning to slow down. This weekend time is good for me to practice doing the things that are most important. I want to learn to strive and labor for the things that matter.

Ecclesiastes 5:18
"What I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot. . . 
5:20... for he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart." (emphasis for me)

Can I be thus occupied? With JOY in my heart? Oh, that is the preoccupation best for me! There will be much toil today- laundry and dishes and chores galore. . . and I have this mission of motherhood and also a business of helping others increase their wellness and purpose. . . and my days are few and numbered. . .

But this is the year of increasing JOY and I'm stumbling and tripping and learning.

Real Estate Reality

It almost feels as if we are part of a reality tv show; over the past weekend we met with three realtors, each hoping to help us sell our home. Our contract with our first realtor expired after six months. We extended another month and are now listed "by owner" as we decide what to do next. We thought that meeting with three different realtors would give us a good perspective of the market, our asking price, and a time frame. (The reality of our situation, in other words.)

Realtor 1: Market is still slow and will keep going down. 17% likelihood of selling our home in the next 6 months. Thinks we have a great home that shows well but didn't give us a listing price. Showed us comparison houses within our school district. This realtor uses social networking and extensive marketing and does not think open houses are valuable (1% return). He is very successful in Lynchburg and we genuinely liked him.

Realtor 2: Market is still slow, but we are moving into the two biggest selling months (March and April). Thinks our house is great and believes our asking price is the right price. However, also believes we would be showing more if we had a heat pump and/or AC. Recommends installing at least partial heat pump/AC as soon as possible and keeping the price we are currently asking. We like this realtor because she helped us find this house and she is positive and enthusiastic. She does host open houses and thinks they are valuable.

Realtor 3: Market is down 25% and still dropping due to short sales and foreclosures. Loves our house because she loves old homes with character. In fact, she has shown our home several times over the past six months. Compared our house to other similar homes in Lynchburg and believes there is not much to competition within our price range (if we drop the price). Agrees that we are hurt by not having a heat pump or AC, but instead of installing these she recommends we get a quote and adjust the price of our home. We like her honesty and energy and she has a great network here, using media but also making lots of personal connections.

So now we are praying about who to list our home with and how much we should ask. The reality is that we are walking away from this house with less money than we brought to it. The longer it takes to sell, however, the more we are potentially losing. And we need to sell.

It is especially painful that we are not going to walk away with as much as we have invested in our home; we are moving to a more expensive area of VA with less to spend on a house. Still, we have friends who are upside-down in their mortgages and even though we hoped real estate would be a good investment for us, it hasn't been over the past five years.

The good news is that we made a good profit on our FL house (that we invested here) and we'll be buying low in Richmond. It was beneficial to meet with these realtors and check our hopes with the reality of the real estate market right now. It was a bit sobering, and yet I'm also feeling hopeful- buoyed by fresh enthusiasm and confidence that we have a great home that could sell soon. Our family needs to be together, even if we are house poor. That's why we diversify, right?

Debris of Life

Another week is taking off and once again, I tell myself that we're going to make it. The goals are simple: first things first. First grace and JOY and contentment and love. Then everything else.

And it's easy for me to become distracted by all that is going on. Even now, in the calm of the evening, there are things around me, reminding me of all the life taking place here. And I'm pausing to be grateful for all of it.

474. Quiet hum of the refrigerator
475. Dark blue storm clouds rolling in
476. Coming upon M, standing it the pack'n'play; the look of delight when he sees me
477. Broken glasses- and that quiet moment with R (7) when there was grace and it was good
478. Borrowed grain mill sitting on the counter- the anticipation of fresh bread tomorrow
479. Pot of minestrone in the fridge; an easy lunch! And so good for us.
480. Box of crayons on the counter- reminding me of L's (5) airplanes and poems and drawings of our family. Amazingly, artistically inspired.
481. Deep gouge in the floor where R dropped the mixer- a reminder that we all do life around here, rolling up our sleeves and chipping in and getting it done.
482. Empty laundry basket; today's laundry done and returned.
483. Green glow on the dishwasher; a job I don't have to do tonight. Knowing the clean dishes will be waiting in the morning, constancy.
484. Magnolia and holly at the front door- lovely green and red given by a friend.
485. Handiseat at the table; M is really getting big! And the borrowed booster ready to return.
486. Blankets strewn on floor and sofa and couch from our book time before bed.
489. Reports, papers, calculator on counters; end of the business month.
490. Pitcher of water (with lemon oil!) in its usual place on the counter; R's service of love for me.
491. Bibles, memory verses, school papers, pencils, shoes, books. . . debris of life.

Wanting to Really Live

Ann's book is released; it is already on Amazon's top 10 list. It's on my top 10 list of books I am hungry to read this year. Can't wait to order my own copy (in a new month with a new flex allowance!).

Never knowing if I'm really moving forward or not. . . but hoping and praying and trying to press into Christ to learn how to really live this year.

Doesn't this make you. . . want to LIVE?!

Dwelling Place

It is a new year!  And if I had time to catch my breath, I would have time to assess 2010 and set goals for 2011. Time to think is hard to come by around here. Still, there is much to ponder as one year passes away and the new year stretches (Lord willing) out in front of us.

I'm inspired by Ann Voskamp, who names the years. And yet, I don't have a clear sense of where the Lord is calling our family this year. There is much uncertainty. And this is the verse that keeps coming to mind today:

Psalm 90:1
Moses prayed, "Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations."

When I don't know where we will be living, whether in Lynchburg or Richmond, whether together as a family or separated, when I don't have any certainty of health or happiness. . . The LORD is my dwelling.

Oh, that I would learn this year to dwell daily in His presence, that He would be my home and would become home for our children. Oh, that I would be filled with JOY!

I am praying for a year in which I grow in joy and gratitude, in which I come back to my first love and dwell with the Lord. I am praying for depth in our marriage and perseverance in my personal struggles with sin. Believing that 2011 can be a memorable year for our family, I will call this the Year of Dwelling.

Deliberately Grateful

Since I am still reading The 4:8 Principle (Tommy Newberry), I thought I would share another excerpt today. This gratitude seeking is not natural to me! I'm afraid that I have given up a joy-outlook over the past few years and fallen into sloppy thinking. This book is a good kick in the pants/heart.

"Gratitude is a choice. It is a conscious and deliberate decision to focus on life's blessings rather than its shortcomings. Life will always have shortcomings, and it will always have virtues. When you focus on your blessings, your life feels abundant. When you focus on what's missing, life feels incomplete. As you know by now, where you point the spotlight is purely a matter of choice."

For these things, I am deliberately grateful today:

251) Rain clouds building up
252) Steamy cup of tea, warming all of me
253) Easy blueberry muffins- yum!
254) My children's eyes
255) Soft bed sheets
256) Vibrant yellow mums
256) A new book from a friend
257) Soup on the stove
258) Feel of boxwoods under my fingers
259) Autumn leaves falling
260) Family photos
261) Friday nights
262) Conversations of grace
263) A son on my lap
264) Warm front steps to sit on
265) Anticipation (Orlando!)

The Salary Reality

Today B sent me this from Instapundit:

"LAW SCHOOL GRADUATES face a bimodal salary curve. We used to call this a “brassiere curve” back when i was in college, but that’s probably politically incorrect now. But you’ve got two humps — a lower one, where the salaries for most law school graduates cluster, and a much higher one, centered around what those who go to big firms make. The important thing, in calculating the risk/return ratio of time and money on law school, is figuring out which of the two you’re likely to end up in.

As Above The Law’s Elie Mystal notes, “A lot of wanna-be lawyers claim that they don’t even want to make $160K. Fine. But understand the curve. If you don’t make $160K, it’s not likely that you’ll make just a little bit less — say, $120K. It’s not likely that you’ll make the average; it’s not even likely that you’ll make the median. If you don’t win the $160K lottery, chances are you’ll be clumped into the left-hand side of the curve, earning somewhere between $30,000 and $60,000 a year. That’s the kind of pay that a lot of people can get without three years of post-graduate education and six figures of debt.”"

He then asked, "why didn't anyone tell me this before law school?" Ha. I think that's exactly the kind of information the law schools don't want you to know. And we didn't really even know anyone who was a practicing attorney that we could ask these kinds of questions of and hear what real life attorney life is like. We were pretty clueless four years ago when we started this venture, but we did know that B had a desire to pursue law and God was opening doors so that we could move forward. Maybe we should have done a bit more "research" (doesn't everyone research everything on the internet?).

It's a bit like this new venture. I don't know anything (really) about this job with the Attorney General. I don't know what to expect. But, again, I'm trusting that the Lord will take care of us through my husband and that He has been preparing the way and will guide us faithfully. Just as B needed to walk through the doors that were connected with his dream of being involved in government law, he now has new paths opened to him. We keep walking (and I have to trust a lot because I don't have time for much "research" these days).

Our house is officially on the market and we are starting to pack boxes. If the house sells and we can close by the end of August, we'll move with B. That's incredibly quick! If that crazy scenario doesn't play out, I will stay in Lynchburg with the kids until the house does sell. There are SO many houses on the market right now. We know many people who have had houses on the market for a year or more. That is definitely not what I want to think about. I know that the Lord is good, regardless. And He has been gracious with us as we are learning. Because of all we have lived through in the past four years, we are absolutely committed not to incur further debt and we value our family relationships as infinitely precious. Maybe the salary isn't what we hoped. Maybe this journey is going to involve more moves. Maybe we'll keep downsizing. Maybe we'll be separated.

When there is so much we don't know, I'm glad that we serve a God who isn't pulsed by a bimodal salary curve. He graciously continues His care for our family. We praise Him!

Decision Time

Ya'll are so sweet to be concerned about me when I whine and let my weaknesses be known. I don't intend to make people feel sorry for me, I just want to be transparent about what is going on in our family and how much I need Jesus. If I need Him and I know it and everyone else knows it, then He gets the glory when any good happens, right?

B is supposed to let the AG's office know tomorrow whether he is accepting the position.

We've continued to talk about it today, though mostly we thought about it and didn't talk too much. When we do try to talk (such as during our family walk on the Blackwater trail tonight), it is hard to keep a train of thought for the interruptions.

When my perspective is all about my husband's good, I want him to take the job. Honestly, I'm a bit excited by the opportunity to sell our house and some belongings and to live even more frugally- so that we can really hack away at our debt. If we did this hard thing (moving) and it means we could be in a totally different financial place in a few years, then I think it is worth doing. B and I have agreed that we want to be "FREE to give, FREE to go, FREE to grow." Eliminating our debt is key and if this could be a dramatic step to propel us, I am for it. Stick us in something small for awhile; we'll be okay.

The kids heard me say this tonight, "I've lived in an orphanage in El Salvador, in a Figian village, in an Australian apartment, in a hostel in New Zealand. I've lived in a one room dorm apartment, with three ladies in a one room apartment, I've lived in a city and I've lived on a farm. It's okay. Wherever I am, there I am." They thought it was pretty neat that I've lived so many places (even though some of those were very brief). It was a good reminder for me that wherever I am, it becomes my new reality and it is always fine.

We may give up our backyard and our trampoline and our garden and our sidewalk and our office and our screened porch and our wonderful neighbors and all that is familiar and good to us here in Lynchburg.

And it will be okay if we do, for the Lord has promised that He goes before us, that He loves us, that He is providing for everything we need for life and godliness. Everything else is wasting away anyway. What a good reminder for me to invest more in relationships and in things of lasting value.

We shall see what B decides. Either way, my heart is open and trusting.

Looking . . . and Waiting

I don't really have words to adequately explain all I am thinking and feeling. It has been a very full week.

B was offered a job working for the Attorney General. He is very excited about job and the opportunity to work for Ken Cuccinelli. He has always wanted to be involved in government and because he thinks highly of Cuccinelli, it would be an especially fun position for him. Yay!

The job does not pay as much as we hoped it would. It is slightly higher than what B currently earns. Richmond's cost of living is approximately 10% higher than Lynchburg. . . so we are wondering if it is financially feasible for us to accept the job and move to Richmond. We have been working aggressively at our debt, but more law school loans are coming due and we wonder if we can possibly cinch our belts any tighter. The lists of savings and expenses are being tallied (health care will be much cheaper for us!), but it is really close.

If he doesn't take the job, I think he will always wonder why he didn't. He wants to take the job, but also wants to make the best decision for our family. (I am so blessed to have this wonderful God-honoring husband!) So we are waiting on the Lord and looking for Him to show us what He wants us to do.

In this spirit, we frantically prepared our home yesterday for friends of friends' to walk through today. We haven't listed our home, so this seemed like an amazing God-thing. B installed a ceiling fan in the office. I organized and cleaned . . . and grew weary when I had a fussy baby and couldn't do housework. It took a great deal of effort to have everything cleaned up last night and prepared so that we could leave the house impeccable (or as impeccable as it can be for a house of seven!) this morning. What a trial for my heart! I would feel good about things (after all, they look better than they have for months!), but then I would feel anxious (things don't look as good as I would like!). It required effort to continually redirect my thoughts to truths: God loves us. He cares about our family's wellfare. He can cause people to see and not see things. He can sell our house without us even listing it. He can sell our house whenever He deems best. He knows best and we do not. (Still! Wouldn't it just be SO awesome to sell our house without hardly even trying?!)

Yeah. That couple put in a contract on a different house today and didn't even look at ours.

It's a little deflating. (But- yay! Our house is pretty darn clean.)

AND. We spent the entire day driving around Richmond, looking at rental homes. Our purpose: determine the amount we need to expect to pay in rent. Get an idea of what neighborhoods are like and which area of Richmond we may want to live in. B was hoping I would get a "good feeling." I was hoping I might get even a little excited about moving. We were hoping that God would confirm to us whether or not we should move forward and accept the job offer.

We took everyone with us. It didn't go as I had planned. People were hungry (even though we JUST ate breakfast). People were thirsty (because water had been dumped onto people, into a carseat, and into the cup holders). People were tired and it seemed that they could only sleep in between two houses that were only 5 minutes apart (= not good sleep!). M cried and cried and cried. I nursed as I normally do (about every 3 hours during the day), but he wasn't happy and couldn't seem to nap. So, I nursed him to settle him to help him nap. But then I couldn't tell if he was crying because he was hungry or tired or just completely overstimulated. . .

I was. I was completely over stimulated. On our drive home (9 hours after we left home!), I was literally squeezing my eyes shut and begging Jesus to help me hang on . . . to any shred of sanity which remained. M cried for hours today. It rips my heart and wears me down so. I felt angry and helpless and trapped in a van full of people. And it reminded me of our trip to/from Il, which was too recent for me to appreciate that it was nearly a month ago.

And we're a little deflated. We didn't like much of what we saw. (Can I say hardly anything?) It will definitely be more expensive than we had hoped, unless we really choose something older or sketchier. (Do you know what I mean?) The thing is, I love my home here. And I'm selfishly wanting somewhere else to live that I'll love, too. I know that renting something not so nice will be good for our budget and help us get out of debt faster, and I really do want that. But I'm not getting excited about it the way I want to be.

So, I know I'm whining. What I really want is to be looking for the Lord to show up and waiting patiently for Him. I'm not. But I want to. I need help in all my fleshly weakness. If this is good for my husband and good for our family, I don't want to balk. Part of me wants to joyfully surrender to circumstances that are less than lovely for the sake of long-term gain. Some of me is looking and waiting. The rest of me is sitting here crying and soon headed for bed.