Today, Ann wrote about not wanting a new year. Instead, she wants a new self. I can relate.
When I look back at 2012 I see my lists of things that did not get accomplished. I see where my hopes and plans went amok and I gave them up. I see the kids' school schedule still hanging forlornly on the wipe board, seldom used despite my best intentions. There is daily mess- clothes, schooling, books, food, dishes, toys. . . it is endless.
These days, this is about all I see. It seems to take all day just to get through the basics. Today the only thing I felt we "accomplished" was thank you notes to grandparents for Christmas gifts. Those four little white envelopes by the door seemed to mock me; all I had to show for the day (and I didn't do much beyond spelling everything and giving a refresher to the kids on writing addresses and friendly letters. I'm still a bit embarrassed by the end result, my "home school excellence" pride shaken.).
Before G was born, I wondered how I would find time to add time for nursing a baby into my day. I knew it would happen, but couldn't quite picture it. Now, I'm living it and wondering how I managed to do all that I did before. I can't quite remember it. I used to have time to school the kids and make three meals a day and do two loads of laundry? And once upon a time I had a little business, too.
I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all. I feel like I'm falling further behind by the day. Can't. keep. up. Just want a shower, and quiet time and exercise, and food and sleep. . . is that too much?!
And now it's a new year and this is when I like to set goals and assess things and make plans. But not this year. It's not that I don't want it. . . but I don't know how to do anything else with my messy self but fall onto GRACE. I don't have any will to plan, any strength to try harder. By nature I strive and press (and kick against the goads?!) and I feel ready finally to give that up. It's not possible right now.
I have a friend who said that her word for 2013 is OFFENSIVE. She is going to pray offensively for her children, train them proactively. . . It sounds like what I want to do.
I prayed for a word for 2013. What I heard was "hang on"- which is technically two words, so it probably isn't divine. Cling or abide would sound much better, but no... I still sense HANG ON is for me in 2013. (Probably the Lord is having to keep things super simple for me right now in my sleep deprived state.)
So... I want to hang on in 2013, falling forward (as Ann said) into grace, clinging to the cross (my only hope!) no matter what. And my holding on really means I'm calling out to Jesus to hold me. No matter what, He says He's got me. No matter the mess in my house, the mess in my heart. It's not too much for Him. All of 2013 is not too much for Him.