Heavenly Cake

It's been nearly a YEAR since I've added to this blog. Too busy with living life and checking in conveniently and quickly on FB. Blogging takes more time and energy (and clear thoughts!) than I usually have.

Yet tonight! Tonight my M (6) became a believer. He and G were tucked in their beds and I prayed for both boys. Then, he said that he didn't want me to die. He asked me what would happen when I died. He told me about the Bible account of the rich man and Lazarus who die. The rich man is in torment in hell. "What's hell?" M asked. (We have talked about it before, but clearly it was on his mind tonight.) I explained. Then, he said, "Mama, I want to go to heaven with you and Jesus. How can I go to heaven?"

So we talked. We prayed. I shed a few tears. He was beaming. (G fell asleep!) He told me he was SO happy; that his heart was happy. It was late at night for us (after 9) and yet he was SO excited. The Lawyer joined us and commented that the angels in heaven were rejoicing over M. "What do you think they are doing at the party right now?" I asked him.

"Eating CAKE!" he exclaimed jubilantly.

I love it. I'm sure there is some kind of cake in heaven. One day, I'll get to eat cake with my own rejoicing heart and my Lawyer and my M and my Savior. Oh, happy day! And how happy my own heart is tonight. . .

My Netzer

There are passages in the Bible that have stumped me for years. I'll admit I'm not the most scholarly Bible student; with six children at home with me most all the time it can be hard to find quiet moments for study. Still, I know how to use a concordance and my favorite tool is blueletterbible.com. When a passage that has tripped me up for years is finally clear- and not only that, but beautifully, gloriously clearly pointing to Messiah- it's so precious to me! Matthew 2:23 is one of those passages.

"And he went and lived in a city called Nazareth, that what was spoken by the prophets might be fulfilled: 'He shall be called a Nazarene.'"

The obvious question is: where was it prophesied that Jesus would be called a Nazarene? And what would it mean if Jesus were a Nazarene?

I know that Samson was a Nazarene. No razor could touch his head and he could not drink wine. If Jesus were a Nazarene, he was a poor one: it was not noted that he did not shave or cut his hair and we do know that he drank wine (such as at the wedding in Cana and at the Last Supper.) It doesn't make sense to me that Jesus, who was perfectly sinless, would take vows of a Nazarene and break them. This one little verse bothered me.

Just last week, my sweet cousin sent me a new book, The Chronological Gospels, reconstructed and annotated by Michael John Rood. In the introduction, he addresses this very passage and clears up all my confusion in such a simple explanation. I'm going to try to paraphrase and quote him as I seek to understand this even more.

Several prophets stated that the Messiah would be a tzemach. A tzemach describes a role of the Messiah, a prophetic mission that he must fulfill, a characteristic or quality that he will display. In the gospels, Jesus is the Tzemach- the King, the Servant, The Son of Man, The Branch, The Son of God, The Coming Judge. The Hebrew word "tzemach" was translated into English as "BRANCH."

Isaiah 11:1,10 "And there shall come forth a rod (khoter- living shoot) out of the stem (geza- cut down tree stump) of Jesse, and a BRANCH (netzer- specific type of branch) shall grow out of his roots (shorashim)...10 And in that day there shall be a root (shoresh) of Jesse, which shall stand for an ensign to the people; to the root shall the gentiles seek: and his rest shall be glorious." (taken from The Chronological Gospels, page 21.)

Now I see a prophesy about a BRANCH/netzer. A netzer is a very specific type of branch. Rood declares that in the Hebrew language a "netzer indicates a shoot from an olive tree that grows out of its original root system but springs up at a later time and somewhat distant from the trunk. The branch that shoots forth out of the root of the stump of the family tree of Jesse will spring forth as a netzer."

The Hebrew word netzer (specific type of branch) is similar to the word nazir (nazarite vow). While the "nazarite vow" translation tripped me up, I am in awe of a God who plans to send a Messiah as a netzer and who fulfills His plan through Jesus, a branch out of the trunk of David, revealing to us the truth of Jesus, Messiah. What love is this!

The explanation is so simple. Nazareth (in English) is really Natzeret, taking it's name from the root word netzer. The residents of Natzeret knew that they were a "shoot" out of the tree of Jesse. The town was originally established by descendants of King David, who knew that their little village was distant, and springing up at a later time, from the stump of Jesse.

The apostle John writes that if the whole of the story of Jesus were written, it could not be contained by all the books in the world. (John 21:25) Yet the things that were written in the Bible are so that we might assuredly know that Jesus of Nazareth (Yeshua of Natzeret) is The Prophet whom Moses spoke about and the promised Messiah. My heart soars in adoration at this little mystery explained, Christ as netzer. I'm searching for more quiet moments when I can read more of this wondrous good news.

Teaching our Children to Hear Us

In this new year, I've gone through my crazy full email inbox and created a folder of great Bible study posts that I wanted to spend time with. This morning, I chose a Doorpost study on obedience from July of last year. These always give me insight and instruction that is so helpful! I especially like the ideas at the bottom for sharing what I'm learning with my children.

Here is the post I read this morning: http://www.doorposts.com/blog/2015/07/05/thirty-days-of-child-training-boot-camp-for-busy-busy-mamas-day-5-catch-up-and-optional-lesson/?awt_l=NxwGI&awt_m=3kTxOcojv.F_QyO

I'm convicted that I haven't been approaching the Word with an ear to yield and be obedient, giving my consent and interest and attention to the wisdom it contains. How much I've missed! How thankful I am that I can open the pages today and HEAR with the help of the Holy Spirit.

One thing that has been fun in teaching our younger children to hear and obey is to make a game of practicing these habits. When I would change the little one in the morning or at night, it was a good time to give instructions such as: go to the door; lay down on your back; roll over; pretend you are a puppy; blink your eyes; tackle me! (Honestly, some of this started when the little ones were SO wiggly and changing them was a challenge. But it turned into a game that yielded great results!) When the bigger kids happen to be in the room, they beg to be included in the game. Not only do I give them fun and silly instructions, but I can send them all over the house on little errands that are accomplished quickly and happily.

Another time we play this game is when we gather at the table for school time. I often notice how untidy things are at that very moment, and can send children to put away one item at a time with another silly command. (Grab the cape from the floor and spin with it all the way to the dress up bin, and then put it away. Do five jumping jacks and then take five books to the shelf.)

Our boys LOVE to be asked to be active. They are so happy with push ups, jumping, punching the air, crawling under furniture, giving high fives, kicking their feet, and rolling on the floor. We usually end up happy and panting at the table, which I think is a great way to have their attention to start.

Too Good Not to Mention!

You know I like to share great things with you! I'm excited about two things today:

1) Momagenda day planners are 50% off with FREE shipping today. I don't know how long this deal lasts, and I know it's a warehouse clearance. I LOVE these planners and I truly think that organizing our time and days helps us to be more productive and better stewards of our time and resources. Here is a link. 

2) EVEN better... there is a new Busy Mamas Bible study starting in March!! I'm so excited to study Isaiah 53. I've only done one of these studies, but SO appreciated the depth of learning and the insight into Scripture and how much the Lord used His word to convict my heart and lead to changes within our home.It was challenging for me to stay on track daily, but I think this is a wonderful opportunity to dig into God's word AND to fellowship with believers AND to share His Word with our children. Would you join me?

I love this photo of the dear friend who introduced me to the Doorposts studies! She is a BUSY, godly mama of 7.

Dear Young Mom (on Obedience)

Dear Young Mom Friend of Mine,
Do not give up! Do not grow weary in doing good. You have young ones and it is a busy, hard, sleep-deprived, intensely physical season of mothering. I know it. You are working hard. Your weariness, your insecurities. . . they are valid and it is okay. This is simply one of your earliest seasons of mothering and what it looks like (for all of us!). I want you to know that I know it is hard and I commend you for the effort you are putting forth through these long days.

I want to encourage you to do the hard work of consistently training your little person. As an older mom, I see what good training brings about. A well-trained baby and toddler will be a well-behaved and delightful child. A well-trained child will bring joy to his mother. It gives me joy when my children come when I call them (while other moms wheedle and plead and coax their children from the playground). It gives me joy when we visit others and I see our hosts eyes light up when my children shake hands, introduce themselves, and thank the host (mind, we do all of this imperfectly!). It gives me joy when I tell my toddler "no" at the grocery store and he is able to manage his disappointment with self-control. I have seen obedience save the life of my child (one dramatic incident when a 4 year old was riding his bike and had to stop immediately when I told him), and the memory is seared in my mind (not for what I did, for I was utterly helpless to save my child, but the grace of God to give me more days with my sweet boy). Because of these things, I believe obedience matters.

Obedience: first time, right away, with a happy heart. Anything other than this is really disobedience. "Start as you intend to go" has always been my motto (though I sometimes lose sight of it in the tyranny of the urgent). If you would like your teen to heed your advice and instruction, you need to start by training your little person to heed. Won't it be nice to say, "please change your clothes," and have your child say, "Yes, Mom" without complaint and rebellion?

The seeds of disobedience run deep in my own heart and I have struggled with this concept of trying to teach my little ones something that I err in daily. I know what God has told me to do (in His Word), and yet I too often rebel, complain, or delay to follow his commands. It's not the best way for me, just as it is not the best way for my children. Because I desire my children to follow God in better obedience than my own, I know they need to learn obedience now, to their earthly masters and parents.

A child left to himself brings shame and disgrace. Oh, how hard it is sometimes to get my lazy self up to discipline my child! It's especially hard when your toddler is disobedient and you are nursing or changing a baby. But don't let these little episodes pass by! Your toddler KNOWS you are probably not going to interrupt a feeding to nip his infraction in the bud. If you can show that you mean it, that you really will discipline that child each and every time because you love them too much to let them develop a sinful habit. . . you will be working on future honor and a jewel of a daughter (or son). These are the times it is SO hard, but you must know that counting to 3 or 10 or 1000 isn't going to help. Raising your voice is not going to work. Threatening... do you even want to be doing that? No, our toddlers reduce us to pleading, threatening, unhappy mommies when we don't have a plan in place to deal with their disobedience.

Lest this sound hard and unbearable, remember there is grace! Mercifully, our children can forget our errors! And I have truly found joy in practicing obedience with my children. Here are a few ideas that have worked well for me:

Blanket time, lap time, room time, etc. These are times that I train the baby (or toddler) to stay where I tell them to stay for a determined amount of time. Start small and reward big! If you give them a book and put them on a blanket and tell them to stay for 5 minutes, it's fun to cheer for them when they have done what you asked. (I use words like, "You did a great job obeying mommy and staying on the blanket!") Gradually, I extend the length of time. I started lap time while I was reading to the older children because it trained the baby to sit on my lap so that he could remain on my lap during our entire church service. (again, imperfectly! but better than it was naturally!) Truthfully, this is sometimes the worst part of the day for me. I SO dislike being interrupted while I read... and inevitably, the baby needs trained multiple times as I read. Sometimes, though, he sits beautifully, and I'm amazed by his self-control. Harnessing that self-control is the key.

Fun times to practice obedience also work well for me. The kids think it is a game and I'm happy with all we can accomplish through this practice that we all enjoy. It looks a lot like Simon Says. After I would change the baby's diaper, I would tell him to go to the wall or the door or the bed. Then I would call him back to me. Then I would say "stop" as he was running back and work on quick, first-time responses. The older kids want to join in, too, and I have them all say "Yes, ma'am" or they have to go back where they started. We throw in silly things, like command to put their hands on their head or somersault to me... but it is AMAZING how this fun practice translates to real obedience in real life situations.

I just want you to know that it's worth it. That you are investing in that little person in ways that have eternal value. I see things in my older children that are the same sin patterns as they had as children, and I wish I had taken more seriously my job of correcting them then. I see how training the FIRST one well is of utmost importance, because that older child will set the tone for all of the children who follow (again, there is grace!). Honestly, I give O (13) a lot of credit for the good traits I see in our younger children that he has modeled for them over the years. And if you can teach your first children to obey well, it sets the standard and example for everyone else. If they don't see whining and complaining and sassing back, they will know that those aren't the things your family is about.

All of this I write in love, as a mama who looks back with some regret and also with so much thankfulness for the (very few) things I did well by God's grace when I didn't even know better. This time as a young mother is such a time for you to focus in on what God says about training children. You want wisdom as a mom? It's all there in His word. There are some other great, practical books (I like Shepherding a Child's Heart as well as Don't Make Me Count to Three, Wise Words for Moms and things from Doorposts and Above Rubies). And this is the time! Now matters! For your children, NOW is so precious and so important. You set the tone for your home, for years to come, and my hope for you is that your children would rise up and call you blessed and that you would take great delight in them.

With humble love,
A Mama of 6

*disclaimer: much Scripture is quoted here. If you read something good, it's probably the Good Word. I hope to go back later and add in references... but I'm in a busy season, too. Please extend grace!

Rethinking the Nativity Scene

'Tis the time of year to see stables on front lawns and nativity scenes on mantles. We like to feel good at Christmastime, but our God is awesome in power and holiness, deserving our awe and not just our sighing. He works all things together perfectly.

Let's rethink our nativity scene with a stable and lowly shepherds and wise men with their camels. We know that the wise men did not attend the birth of Jesus (they arrived later, when Jesus was in the house). You can read this if you are interested. And, I have to rethink my perception of the birth place and the shepherds, too, after reading this totally fascinating short article.

For more on Migdal Eder, and insight into Jesus as "the son of my right hand," please see this site by Rabbi Mike Short. Thanks to my friend and brother in Christ, Lenny, for sharing this with me:

Why was Jesus born in a manger?
 
Luke 2:7 "and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn."

Have you ever stopped to consider why God allowed His only son to be born in a lowly manger? Could not an omniscient, loving, all powerful God have arranged a room at the inn? Or even better, could he not arrange for Jesus to be born in a palace with midwives, servants and clean water? Can you imagine bringing your wife into an animal stall to give birth, in the dark, without help? Can you imagine wrapping your son in swaddling cloth to protect his skin from the hay and placing him in a feed trough as a makeshift cradle? Rest assured, the author of all creation did not fall asleep at the wheel and overlook the hardship that this was to the parents. This choice was deliberate with a clear intentionality and purpose.

Many know that Micah prophesied that the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem:

Micah 5:2 "But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times." This was understood by the Pharisees at the time of Jesus and is referred to in several gospel accounts (Matt 2:5, John 7:42). God arranged for Joseph and Mary to be in Bethlehem in response to the Roman census. Buy why Bethlehem? It might be tempting to conclude that it was to honor David. It is likely that the shepherds in the fields of Bethlehem were raising lambs in the very fields that King David, as a boy watched over his sheep and composed Psalms to honor his God. In fact the shepherds may have been on the same land that Boaz redeemed for Naomi and passed on to his son Jesse, David’s father. However, I contend that this is not the reason for choosing Bethlehem.

Many do not realize that Micah further prophesied that kingship would come to the "Daughter of Jerusalem" at Migdal Eder: Micah 4:8 "As for you, O watchtower of the flock [Hebrew Migdal Eder], O stronghold of the Daughter of Zion, the former dominion will be restored to you; kingship will come to the Daughter of Jerusalem." Migdal Eder was a watchtower located in the northern part of Bethlehem built to protect the Temple flocks.1 "During lambing season the sheep were brought there from the fields, as the lower level functioned as the birthing room for sacrificial lambs."2 Priestly shepherds "would wrap the newborn lambs in swaddling clothes" and place them in a manger "until they calmed down"3 to keep them "without defect"4, suitable to be sacrificial lambs for the sin of the Israelites. Bethlehem was special because the shepherds in the fields of Bethlehem raised lambs for the Jewish temple in Jerusalem. The shepherds who heard the angelic choir and came to see the baby Jesus were certainly familiar with the technique to birth a sacrificial lamb, and were likely puzzled by why a baby was birthed in the manner and location of a sacrificial lamb. In fact the angels did not have to tell the shepherds precisely where to go in Bethlehem to find Jesus, because there was only one manger where sacrificial lambs were birthed, the cave under the watch tower of Migdal Edar.5

With hindsight we can clearly see that the manner of Jesus’ birth foreshadowed the purpose for Jesus coming into the world:

John 1:29 "The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, "Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!""

1 Peter 1:18-20 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.

Before Jesus had taken his first breath God had decided that his life was to be given as a sacrifice to pay the penalty for our sins. God testified to his intent by having Jesus be born in the manner and location of the sacrificial lambs of the temple just as the prophet Micah proclaimed.

1 Alfred Edersheim, The life and times of Jesus the Messiah, book 2, pg 131

2 Charles E. McCracken, For you and me, Israel My Glory, Nov/Dec 2008 pg 25.

3 Jimmy DeYoung, "Jimmy’s Prophetic Perspective on the News," Dec 23, 2005.

4 Leviticus 4:32

5 Abrams, C. P. Where was the birthplace of the Lord Jesus?, http://www.bible-truth.org/BirthPlaceofJesus.html

http://www.pas.rochester.edu/~tim/study/Why%20a%20manger.pdf

Defer to the "Older and Wiser"

 Yesterday's reading of Proverbs led us to consider this:

"By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom." Proverbs 13:10

There is strife in our home when our children are insolent, (proud, presumptuous, rude, or disrespectful). This often happens amongst our children. They are unwilling to give ground to each other and each wants to be right and have his own way. (Sometimes this sounds like, "no, it's not" and "yes it is" kinds of conversations.) Even though there are not many years between each child and the next, we endeavor and hope that they are growing in wisdom.

It is in this spirit that I think of the wise words of a friend of mine. She is a mother of six who seems to mother so intentionally with such grace and yet also with practicality and love. She told me once that she taught her children to say, "You are older and wiser than I am. I will defer to your judgment."

She had a specific purpose in teaching this and I think it was for a certain child's training for a season, but I have loved these words! When there is strife between my children because of their PRIDE, it has been GOOD for the younger child to defer to the older child and use this phrase: "You are older and wiser than I am. I will defer to your judgement."

Of course, the older child has the responsibility in these situations and will be held accountable to his parents. (They don't just choose what makes them happy, but what they really think is best). The strife usually arises in small matters of preference and the conflict should not merit parental energy. I've found that the distraction of these small scuffles disrupts our home's peace. I want to teach my older children to shepherd and be responsible for the younger children (under our authority, of course) and our desire is for all of our children to be humble and able to take advise and also seek the advice of wise counselors.

January Words in July

There is a long story about why our family is here in Richmond and where we would like to be settling down. The short story is that we are renting a house here while we are in "transition," but we don't know what we are transitioning to.

We renewed our lease this month after praying over the decision and having as many conversations about it as we could squeeze in. We looked online for options. The Lawyer has been thinking about variables that could change to allow us to live further out of the city (we're really not in the city now, but it's closer than we prefer). The trade off is that our family loses time with him when his commute increases and that's not appealing at all.

Yet, the older I get, the more I want to feel rooted and to have community. I don't want to keep moving around. I long for my porch swing and a screened in porch to spend these warm summer evenings on. I'd like to fix up a place and make it beautiful for our family. I'd like a clothesline again and a little flock of chickens (seems like every one's American dream right now!). The farm girl in me is aching for my own place and years accumulating like dirt under my fingernails. Blackberry bushes and asparagus patches and sunflowers along fences and the smell of a horse and apple trees and a grape arbor and blue sky overhead. . . these are the things I'm yearning for.

And, as our children grow I want things for them, too: a place to explore and bigger trees to climb and places to get muddy and build forts and animals to take care of and real, good, hard work to do. Really, it's a childhood like mine that I'd like for them. Where we are right now we don't feel like we have this. And so we feel unsettled.

Our plan was to live in this smallish house (1300 square feet) for a year (which has turned into 3) while we worked to pay down law school debt and figured out if this job was a long-term job for The Lawyer and where we would want to live (as we were completely unfamiliar with Richmond).

Now, we feel like we don't know anything. I don't know if we're staying here. I don't know where we'd want to go. Illinois is always on the table because our families live there. We wonder if we should buy or rent and where to look and how far out to go. And the months seem to be slipping away so quickly and we cringe to think that our bigger boys will only know and remember a childhood in the suburbs (which isn't a bad thing, just different than we intended!).

As we've prayed over this and had hard conversations, we haven't really come to any conclusions. And then, the Lord was so good to remind me this week of the words He gave me in January. For the last few years, I've asked Him to give me a word or words to focus on for the year. I wasn't totally sure I was hearing right this year, but I thought what the Holy Spirit kept whispering to my heart was "Hold On." And the words came echoing back through my foggy thinking this week and I heard the words simplified to just, "Hold." (So I guess we don't need to look at any more houses?!)

"Hold On" in January meant to me that there may be change ahead and I just needed to cling to Jesus and He would carry us through. In July, it's simply "Hold," and I think we are to just keep being HERE for the time being. Maybe there are changes in the works that we cannot see (of course!). I like to hope that our dreams are closer to being realized than I can imagine, that God again has amazingly good things in store for our family that will surprise us. And if not, then "Hold" may mean that we just keep trusting and doing good and waiting on Him and clinging to Jesus. . . which is what we should be doing anyway. Good words.

Self- Control

Today, I said something to T (5) about his "absolute lack of self-control" and then he looked at me and said, "I don't know what those words mean."

I really appreciate his honesty. Still, we've been talking about self-control to him since before he could talk. These are not unfamiliar words around here. When our children lack self-control they are usually sent to their bed to calm down, pray, and regroup.

But. . . today I'm wondering, "What about me?" What about the times that I reveal an absolute lack of self-control? It's one of the fruits of the spirit. Sometimes I lack good fruit. Sometimes I slam doors, hide in the bathroom and cry (see yesterday's post!), and when I didn't think the kids were watching, I once threw a plastic cup on the kitchen floor. Undignified, ungracious me.

I've heard Michelle Duggar say that the angrier she is, the quieter she is. She uses self-control to lower her voice, to calm her emotions. Her kids know things are serious when she is really, really quiet. I am impressed with that image of a really angry, really quiet mother. That takes a lot of self-control.

Ann Voskamp quotes Mark Buchanan today. The entire article is really wonderful, but here is the crux: Here’s what I’ve learned: Every impulse to seize control — is the Holy Spirit’s invitation to practice self-control.

Every nerve jolt to freak out, melt down, start yelling, fly into rage or panic is a divine cue to slow down, breathe deep, start praying, and lean into God.

Every instinct to control something is God’s nudge to control myself.

I don’t always get it right. When I don’t, I not only lose self-control: I lose influence. I lose respect. I lose dignity.

When I do get it right, I gain all around.

Lord, help me get a grip on myself.

To the Circus. . .

We had the opportunity to attend the Ringling Brothers Circus this week. But, we had to redeem our library "tickets" for real circus tickets at the box office downtown.

I've never been to the circus and this seemed like an opportune time to take our family. All of our children could go to the circus for free after reading five books and having their library "ticket" stamped. I'm pretty sure we couldn't go any cheaper as a family. And yet, it required a lot of me.

I had to drive our big van downtown after our Bible study on Wednesday. I've never driven it downtown before. I had never been to the Coliseum before, so I was relying on google directions and my copilot (R, 9). Of course, G (3 mo) was crying the entire drive. This little excursion involved toll roads, one way streets, a circular drive with cars parked along it, and parking garages that scared me. (I've recently heard stories of friends' friends' big vans that had the tops destroyed by trying to enter average height parking garages.) The picture in my mind is quite real and enough to make me sweat my calculations. "Boys!" I exclaimed. "Seven feet is eighty-four inches, right?!" (And why are the signs given in inches?!)

Once the Coliseum was in our sights, we pulled into the circular drive in front of the box office signs. We were promptly approached by a gentleman with quite an animated story of "this, the worst day." After several minutes of his tale, I gave him $2- the only cash in my wallet. (And how was I going to pay the tolls on the way home? I wondered too late!) "Mom? What was that about?" my co-pilot queried. "I have NO idea." I said.

We then proceeded around the circle, one inch at a time as I willed our van to just suck it in a little bit so I could squeeze through the poorly parked cars and the rather steep looking curb. "Boys!" I called again. "Look out there! Am I going to hit that taxi? Are you SURE? Can you really SEE?"

No luck parking in the circle. The big boys were unwilling to hop out and run over to the box office to get the tickets for us. (And really? I'm going to send my 11 and 9 year old boys to a box office in downtown Richmond where we now know there are drunken, sketchy figures about? Send them with money? What would I do if they needed me? Leave the crying baby in the van, that's for sure.)

Around the block we went again, looking in vain for parking. We couldn't spy anywhere for a 12 passenger van. . . but we did see our gentleman friend hurriedly crossing the street (with a rather guilty look, I may add).

I was feeling a bit desperate, so we attempted the circular drive again. (I'm crazy!) Somehow a big van had gotten in there, in a perfect end spot. We waited a few minutes for that lovely space, but the kids grew impatient with that idea.

Around the block again. This time (duh!), we prayed for the Lord to help us. When we don't know what to do, our eyes look to the Lord. I did NOT know what to do- or where to park in order to do what I wanted to do.

I eyed the parking garage again- did I mention it had a "Sorry- FULL" sign in front of it anyway? I drove slowly. And. . . there was a bit of space in front of the parking garage that wouldn't require parallel parking. But, it wasn't much space. I parked, then got out to walk around the van to surmise if I looked legitimate enough to leave the van there. At that exact moment, a friendly and clean-looking man returned to his red vehicle, parked in front of me. He was leaving just then and so I had plenty of room (which is just like God, to give us MORE than we need!).

I took half a dozen kids across the street to the Coliseum box office. One of them was screaming and one was whining and one said he needed a bathroom.

At the box office, I stated that I wanted 5 free children's tickets and 2 adult tickets for Friday night. I tried to manage my children while the nice box office lady prepared our tickets. "Here you go," she smiled to M (2), who had climbed up the brick wall to peer in the window at her. "Have fun at the circus tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I questioned. Not tomorrow!

So... she changed the tickets for us. She passed the new tickets out to M. Even though I wanted to make a mad dash back to the van (where my children could whine and cry in private), I calmly opened the envelope and counted the tickets. Only 6. We were short one.

So . . . she gave me the missing ticket and we went back to the van, which I noticed was ALSO conveniently parked in front of a storm drain. O (11) had settled the crying baby. I was carrying the tired 2 year old, and the 5 year old used the storm drain. We had plenty of room to back up. We easily found our way back to the road home. I remembered $5 in a cash envelope in my bag. . .

And so all ended well. And really, it was worth it. My children saw that we sometimes do hard, uncomfortable things for the people we love. And we ask God for help and talk to Him all the time because He cares about us and can work everything out for His glory. And we can laugh at ourselves and also enjoy this crazy life.

We also enjoyed the circus on Friday night very much.

A Gift From God

This is what The Lawyer and I saw outside last night around midnight, except it was all sparkly with frost and the bow was reflecting the light from the garage and we could barely believe our eyes. We couldn't tell the color or any details. . . but The Lawyer went out in his socks on the wet ground, incredulous, and confirmed it was real.

L beside the van that God gave.

The view from our kitchen sink this morning... we waited for the children to notice what was right outside.

More story to follow. . .  JUST. AMAZING.

THANK YOU!!

James 1:17

Falling Forward, Holding On

Today, Ann wrote about not wanting a new year. Instead, she wants a new self. I can relate.

When I look back at 2012 I see my lists of things that did not get accomplished. I see where my hopes and plans went amok and I gave them up. I see the kids' school schedule still hanging forlornly on the wipe board, seldom used despite my best intentions. There is daily mess- clothes, schooling, books, food, dishes, toys. . . it is endless.

These days, this is about all I see. It seems to take all day just to get through the basics. Today the only thing I felt we "accomplished" was thank you notes to grandparents for Christmas gifts. Those four little white envelopes by the door seemed to mock me; all I had to show for the day (and I didn't do much beyond spelling everything and giving a refresher to the kids on writing addresses and friendly letters. I'm still a bit embarrassed by the end result, my "home school excellence" pride shaken.).

Before G was born, I wondered how I would find time to add time for nursing a baby into my day. I knew it would happen, but couldn't quite picture it. Now, I'm living it and wondering how I managed to do all that I did before. I can't quite remember it. I used to have time to school the kids and make three meals a day and do two loads of laundry? And once upon a time I had a little business, too.

I don't feel like I'm moving forward at all. I feel like I'm falling further behind by the day. Can't. keep. up. Just want a shower, and quiet time and exercise, and food and sleep. . . is that too much?!

And now it's a new year and this is when I like to set goals and assess things and make plans. But not this year. It's not that I don't want it. . . but I don't know how to do anything else with my messy self but fall onto GRACE. I don't have any will to plan, any strength to try harder. By nature I strive and press (and kick against the goads?!) and I feel ready finally to give that up. It's not possible right now.

I have a friend who said that her word for 2013 is OFFENSIVE. She is going to pray offensively for her children, train them proactively. . . It sounds like what I want to do.

I prayed for a word for 2013. What I heard was "hang on"- which is technically two words, so it probably isn't divine. Cling or abide would sound much better, but no... I still sense HANG ON is for me in 2013. (Probably the Lord is having to keep things super simple for me right now in my sleep deprived state.)

So... I want to hang on in 2013, falling forward (as Ann said) into grace, clinging to the cross (my only hope!) no matter what. And my holding on really means I'm calling out to Jesus to hold me. No matter what, He says He's got me. No matter the mess in my house, the mess in my heart. It's not too much for Him. All of 2013 is not too much for Him.

Anyway

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
 

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
 

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
 

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
 

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
 

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
 

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
 

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” 

– from Mother Teresa’s convent wall; an adaptation of Kent M. Keith's “The Ten Paradoxical Commandments for Christians,” written when he was a 19-year-old sophomore at Harvard.

Blessings

Jesus Calling: "Thank Me for the very things that are troubling you. You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in My Face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining about My treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self-pity can sweep you away. The best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time."

James 3:10
"From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so."

Rather than complain- even just a little!- about my life, I want to use my mouth and my words to give thanks. And look at some of what I have to be thankful for! These are photos from our trip from VA to KY to IL- dear friends and family!

L and Ellie

T and Cal (born 2 days apart!)

O and Josiah riding bikes

M and Emory looking out at the lake

Beautiful Aunt Cara at the wedding

T and Isla after the wedding in WI

What boys do between wedding and reception (3 of mine with Uncle Zach)

Grandpa and Grandma after the WI wedding

M and Isla

Lleyton and Aunt S

Stella and Marcy at the reception

Just Some Notes on Transition

Well, ya'll. I've been quite a disappointment in the blogging world. Most of my readers have given up on me, I think. For good reason: lack of interesting posts. I've come to realize that even when I post things that are interesting to me (good recipes or books for example), that just isn't as good as a good story. And the story of our family and of our lives unfolding is the good stuff. I could be wrong, though. Maybe it's just me who loves a good story.

The past year(s) have been challenging (but oh! so grace-filled). Since we moved here to Midlothian last summer I've just felt that we were in a season of transition.

I saw this painting at a yard sale yesterday and wistfully told The Lawyer that I really, really liked it. I didn't think he would approve such a purchase (because PracticalMe wouldn't!), but I'm so glad he did! This Winslow Homer painting, "Breezing Up," just captures something for me. It makes me think of my boys and their gracious, outdoorsy dad. I love the light on the water and yet the clouds overhead. Things have felt a bit stormy in our life and yet there has always been light on our way. These boys don't seem concerned at all (no life jackets! gasp!). What confidence we put in a father. No matter the waves or the clouds or the slant of the boat or the view on the horizon. . . this crew seems relaxed in the journey. I think they are enjoying their time with their dad.

So things have felt a bit tumultuous here with a move and many changes. I want to relax in the adventure, to put this kind of trust in my Dad, to recognize that I'm riding in light and it's good. I want to blog all the gifts I see and to see gifts all around me- but I start and stop, start and stop, and haven't even finished my list to 1000. We're in transition; I feel things changing. I'm not sure where the wind is taking us, but I believe it is breezing up.

Breezing Up by Winslow Homer

• We are renting a house (that I hope not to live in for too long!). It's quite small for our growing family. Three boys share one room. M has a crib mattress under L's bed that we pull out for naps and night. Our dining room table and chairs share space with our "office" desk/chair and our bookshelves, couch, and living room chair. Between meals we drop the ends of the dining table so that there is room to walk around it. I have at least three boxes of kitchen supplies that I utilize regularly from the garage because our kitchen doesn't hold all of our needed items. Hear that we are thankful, however! We have space enough and really enjoy our neighborhood trails and beautiful lake. We have incredible landlords who bring gifts for our children and attentively work on household maintenance. Mr. B is a grandfatherly figure to our children. This is just not where I want to be very long. I have a desire for our own space that I can clean and organize and keep simple and live in with our family. An old farmhouse perhaps? Or an open floorplan cabin? Something with trim and hardwood and lots of light and character...
• The Lawyer's job still perplexes us. Again, we are SO grateful. Many of our law-school friends are still trying to find suitable work or are simply working anywhere to pay their bills. We had the amazing surprise of a raise! And yet we wonder what toll eight more years of this work may have on our family.
• Along with the house and the job decisions, we still contemplate moving back to IL. There is just something uncomfortable to us about being so very far from family. We made the decision for me to move back with the children to live with my Grandpa. . . and then he passed away quickly. Without that apparent "need" for us to move, we continually weigh IL and VA in the balance.
• We leave the IL/VA decision IN the balance. . . because it doesn't really matter what we want to do so much. We don't have the ability to DO anything right now (as in: make a major cross-country move).  First, The Lawyer doesn't have a job there and would have to take the IL bar. Secondly, The Lawyer and I have committed to doing all we can to eliminate our debt. 
• We have a Dave Ramsey debt snowball going on. Everything "extra" from our house sale has gone to reduce debt. The great news: in the past year we have gone from eight debts to four. Praise the Lord! The hard news: those were (for the most part) the smallest debts. Three were not charging us interest and two of them we weren't even making monthly payments on. Rather than spend a lot of money moving our family across several states, we are choosing to live as frugally as possible and pay off as much as we can while we are here. ("Here" loosely means in this rental house, which we have renewed lease on for one more year.) This also means that I haven't added any "extras" for the kids in the way of lessons or sports or pool passes. I'm rethinking this now, wondering if scarcity thinking leads to lack more than lack of money leads to lack.
• When we left Lynchburg I sold or gave away nearly every baby item we owned and any furniture I thought we could live without. That has been good in this small house. We have talked a lot over the past year about our family. The Lawyer feels maxxed out (rightly so! He has special responsibility as a provider. We are soundly filling this home and we don't want to add expenses as we ruthlessly pay off our debt). I have had a hard time thinking that we would never add children to our family again. We've talked about adoption and foster care, being "done" and "leaving it to the Lord." This has been a challenging area for us and a source of tears and much prayer on my part.
• We've had questions about church and where we want to worship. Our family has visited several different churches, looking for a service that would be suitable for our entire family and one in which we saw people authentically living out and talking about the Gospel. We wanted to hear God's Word and wanted to sing unto the Lord. My ideals have been countered, however, with the convenience of choosing something closer to home and a place where we knew a few people. These are a few of the things that make our church appealing. We really like where we are. But if we knew we were going to live here for years to come, we might choose differently. 
• The end of one school year is upon us and I'm already eagerly looking at materials and thinking about how to spend our summer "light" school time and what we want to tackle in the fall. More transition! There are some things that didn't work for us so well this year (children finishing all their work each day, me grading each day, leaving book time until afternoon...). We are celebrating many achievements, though! There is a new reader in our house and a much-improved reader. Boys have learned Latin and math, history and science (and a few other things along the way). And I have hopes for the fall.

On Bearing Children

I just read a wonderful (older) post on Generation Cedar. Kelly has deep convictions about fertility and viewing children as a blessing. This was such a great reminder and encouragement for me today. Here is what she writes:

"Children are given to us as gifts, as tools, as a heritage, as added numbers to His church, and as a means by which we are changed, challenged and formed more into the Lord’s image. Children are His people, showing us the keys to Heaven (“unless you become like a little child…”) He knows. Christians cannot make light of turning fertility on and off like a faucet. Children are not for us. They are not for displaying and showcasing. They are His “to do and to will of His good pleasure”. May we be honored to serve as vessels, ushering them into the world and then immersing them in His love."

Goodbye, Grandpa "B"

Three years ago I sat with my computer and tried to put down what I knew to be true of my Grandma B. Even as we celebrated her life and mourned her death, I sought to weigh down with words the things I remembered about her and how she impacted my life. I've learned that time flows onward- a swift current- and only by being fully present in the moment can we weigh the moments down. My memory is short and words are my paperweights. I wrote that there was much I didn’t know of my grandma, but some things I was certain of.

Now, I try to find words fitting my Grandpa. I realize that I know even less about him than I knew of my grandmother- for while she and I talked he was usually off working on something. However, most of what I know of my grandparents was true of both of them- for they lived as one, sharing ideals and values and life. They never needed much and didn’t want a fuss to be made over them. Grandpa told me that he hoped he wouldn’t need special care in his later years because he didn’t want to “put out” any of his children. He didn’t want anyone to change their plans on his account. He was so much more comfortable with giving than receiving. Grandpa was a humble man who served generously and required little. My grandparents were simple, good people.

I know that my grandparents loved each other… dearly, with a sweet and enduring love. They held hands regularly and often. Grandma would sit on Grandpa’s lap. They would finish each other’s sentences. They worked crossword puzzles together every day. They were generous toward each other. They served each other. Their interactions were laced with kindnesses and tenderness. After Grandma passed away, Grandpa no longer did cross words. So many things just weren’t right without her when they had spent a lifetime becoming one flesh.

Grandma taught me lessons of love by how she loved Grandpa. She spoke of him highly, which taught me respect for my husband, to speak well of him and believe well of him. I learned from her that I should be lavish in affection. She instilled in me a strong belief that the little things I do now, even seemingly small things like holding hands and kissing goodbye, will strengthen my marriage. Grandpa taught me lessons of love by how he loved Grandma. I saw a husband who cared for his wife as he cared for his own body, made sacrifices for her, chose fidelity, and cherished the wife of his youth.

I know that my Grandpa valued family. Just as my grandma looked back on her years with little children in her home as years of blessing, so he valued family time. It was Grandpa who came home for lunch and bathed their young children. Grandpa planned family outings and invested his time and energy into his family. Grandpa wouldn’t hesitate to take a grandchild (or great-grandchild!) on his lap. Even in his late 70s he would carry my children and give them shoulder rides. He genuinely delighted in them and they adored him.

Our family had the privilege of staying for several weeks with Grandpa during the past several summers. Our children looked forward to each evening when Grandpa would get out the ice cream and the cones. He and I would sit on the porch swing and watch the kids circle the driveway on big wheels. If my big boys were lucky, I would let them stay up to watch golf on t.v. with Grandpa. They have great memories of the fire pit in his back yard and playing in the empty lot with him.

Grandpa was a tinkerer. He was often in the basement or the garage, fixing something, improving it, or taking it apart.  He built dollhouses and cradles and seemed to be able to fix anything.

I know that my grandfather believed that staying active was an important part of good health. I know so few adults besides my grandparents that continued working and golfing and vacationing well into their senior years. Grandpa never stopped. He changed his health in his earlier years by changing his diet and his habits. I learned from watching my grandparents that you are as old as you act and that staying active and practicing discipline keeps you healthy.

I know Grandpa valued freedom. He loved to travel the country with Grandma. (Even when she convinced him to stop VA "on the way" back to IL from FL!) He defended freedom in World War II. He was patriotic and yet also felt he didn’t do anything special.

I know my Grandpa trusted the Lord. He and Grandma did Bible studies together. He wasn’t just committed to his church, but he valued God’s word. He spoke to me about hard things their family had endured and how their faith saw them through. Grandpa was certain that Grandma was in heaven with her Savior and he looked forward, every day, to joining them. Oh, he missed her terribly! And yet he also trusted Christ’s good and perfect will. He was confident that God’s promises are true and he had an eternal hope.

And now we are the ones left missing them. Of course, I am happy for Grandpa’s release from hardship, from aches and pains and loneliness. Yet I grieve for those of us here who will miss his stalwart presence and faith. What a good, godly heritage we’ve been given! I know we are so blessed to have had the strong example of a humble, godly man.

Another Goodbye

Tonight we are praying for our Grandpa B, whose kidneys are failing. He is quietly resting and will soon fall into his eternal sleep. There are many tears in our home tonight. We heard this sad and surprising news today (Grandpa was in his own home yesterday) and do not have time to make it to IL to say goodbye.

We are so thankful to have an everlasting Hope- Jesus Christ! There is peace in knowing we will one day glorify God in that great company with Grandpa B. And yet tonight we grieve "goodbye."

Not What You DO

When I went to bed after posting on Sabbath rest, I read this in Jesus Calling. It spoke rest to my soul.

(Jesus is saying to you:) "I love you for who you are, not for what you do. Many voices vie for control of your mind, especially when you sit in silence. You must learn to discern what is My voice and what is not. Ask My spirit to give you this discernment. Many of My children run around in circles, trying to obey the various voices directing their lives. This results in fragmented, frustrating patterns of living. Do not fall into this trap. Walk closely with Me each moment, listening for My directives and enjoying My Companionship. Refuse to let other voices tie you up in knots. My sheep know My voice and follow Me wherever I lead." (see Ephesians 4:1-6; John 10-4)

The Ultimate Sabbath

Our pastors have been preaching a series titled "The Story Behind the Morals;" basically walking us through the Ten Commandments and talking about how they reveal Jesus and the gospel of grace and are not simply a list of things we ought not do.

"Honor the sabbath day to keep it holy" seems like a straightforward command. And yet, how do we show honor and how to we keep a day holy? I, like the Pharisees, would like to have a list of things that are permissible and inexcusable on the Sabbath. Can I make dinner? How about raking the lawn? What if raking the lawn is fun for me? What if I'm praying while I'm raking? Can I read books besides the Bible? What if they talk about the Bible? What if they are written by Christians?

I'm a moralist, I admit. If I could just know all the right things to do... and then be able to DO them... somehow I persuade myself that I would be okay. It's funny, almost. Because I can NEVER do all the right things. I can't even do just TEN right things (as in the Ten Commandments). Therefore, I can never make myself right. So my salvation is not about my doing at all but only about believing and receiving.

Andrew Conrad shared a quote,"The thought of an activity that does not accomplish something tangible terrifies us." It sometimes seems terrible to have a to-do list with nothing crossed out at the end of the day.

Sabbath rest seems like it would accomplish nothing, but that is because we think too highly of ourselves and often look only to what we can "accomplish" instead of trusting what He wants to accomplish in us if we rest and receive.

Our weekly sabbath rest points to our ultimate sabbath- God's eternal rest in heaven. As we rest from our daily work on Sunday we are reminded of our final, coming rest.

Sabbath is a taste of our salvation, an opportunity for us to taste the goodness, mercy, and grace of God. It's not about what we can do but all about what He has already done. Oh, marvelous grace!

921. nighttime coughs quieted with R.C.
922. boy still little enough to ride on my hip
923. oldest boy filling in a goal ladder for his dream log cabin
924. a movie in bed with The Lawyer
925. five loads of laundry (or was it six?) in one day
926. words of encouragement from a friend who reads these spilled out thoughts
927. amazing, crazy abundant gift of food- and we had asked to see crazy provision this week.
928. the boys remind me of other provisions, too: the milk, the door prizes at the RV show
929. music on speakers flowing calm notes through the house
930. girl's excitement over Valentine's day; so many treats and notes and signs through the house!