Looking . . . and Waiting

I don't really have words to adequately explain all I am thinking and feeling. It has been a very full week.

B was offered a job working for the Attorney General. He is very excited about job and the opportunity to work for Ken Cuccinelli. He has always wanted to be involved in government and because he thinks highly of Cuccinelli, it would be an especially fun position for him. Yay!

The job does not pay as much as we hoped it would. It is slightly higher than what B currently earns. Richmond's cost of living is approximately 10% higher than Lynchburg. . . so we are wondering if it is financially feasible for us to accept the job and move to Richmond. We have been working aggressively at our debt, but more law school loans are coming due and we wonder if we can possibly cinch our belts any tighter. The lists of savings and expenses are being tallied (health care will be much cheaper for us!), but it is really close.

If he doesn't take the job, I think he will always wonder why he didn't. He wants to take the job, but also wants to make the best decision for our family. (I am so blessed to have this wonderful God-honoring husband!) So we are waiting on the Lord and looking for Him to show us what He wants us to do.

In this spirit, we frantically prepared our home yesterday for friends of friends' to walk through today. We haven't listed our home, so this seemed like an amazing God-thing. B installed a ceiling fan in the office. I organized and cleaned . . . and grew weary when I had a fussy baby and couldn't do housework. It took a great deal of effort to have everything cleaned up last night and prepared so that we could leave the house impeccable (or as impeccable as it can be for a house of seven!) this morning. What a trial for my heart! I would feel good about things (after all, they look better than they have for months!), but then I would feel anxious (things don't look as good as I would like!). It required effort to continually redirect my thoughts to truths: God loves us. He cares about our family's wellfare. He can cause people to see and not see things. He can sell our house without us even listing it. He can sell our house whenever He deems best. He knows best and we do not. (Still! Wouldn't it just be SO awesome to sell our house without hardly even trying?!)

Yeah. That couple put in a contract on a different house today and didn't even look at ours.

It's a little deflating. (But- yay! Our house is pretty darn clean.)

AND. We spent the entire day driving around Richmond, looking at rental homes. Our purpose: determine the amount we need to expect to pay in rent. Get an idea of what neighborhoods are like and which area of Richmond we may want to live in. B was hoping I would get a "good feeling." I was hoping I might get even a little excited about moving. We were hoping that God would confirm to us whether or not we should move forward and accept the job offer.

We took everyone with us. It didn't go as I had planned. People were hungry (even though we JUST ate breakfast). People were thirsty (because water had been dumped onto people, into a carseat, and into the cup holders). People were tired and it seemed that they could only sleep in between two houses that were only 5 minutes apart (= not good sleep!). M cried and cried and cried. I nursed as I normally do (about every 3 hours during the day), but he wasn't happy and couldn't seem to nap. So, I nursed him to settle him to help him nap. But then I couldn't tell if he was crying because he was hungry or tired or just completely overstimulated. . .

I was. I was completely over stimulated. On our drive home (9 hours after we left home!), I was literally squeezing my eyes shut and begging Jesus to help me hang on . . . to any shred of sanity which remained. M cried for hours today. It rips my heart and wears me down so. I felt angry and helpless and trapped in a van full of people. And it reminded me of our trip to/from Il, which was too recent for me to appreciate that it was nearly a month ago.

And we're a little deflated. We didn't like much of what we saw. (Can I say hardly anything?) It will definitely be more expensive than we had hoped, unless we really choose something older or sketchier. (Do you know what I mean?) The thing is, I love my home here. And I'm selfishly wanting somewhere else to live that I'll love, too. I know that renting something not so nice will be good for our budget and help us get out of debt faster, and I really do want that. But I'm not getting excited about it the way I want to be.

So, I know I'm whining. What I really want is to be looking for the Lord to show up and waiting patiently for Him. I'm not. But I want to. I need help in all my fleshly weakness. If this is good for my husband and good for our family, I don't want to balk. Part of me wants to joyfully surrender to circumstances that are less than lovely for the sake of long-term gain. Some of me is looking and waiting. The rest of me is sitting here crying and soon headed for bed.