Some Nights

Some nights I feel like Super Mom. The day's laundry is folded and put away; tomorrow's laundry is washing. The breakfast grains are soaking (lucky kids will have pumpkin pancakes!); the dishes are washed (though not all put away- that's Super Duper). The school books are shelved and tomorrow's lessons and worksheets are ready (okay, sadly this doesn't happen very often at all).

See, most of the time, I don't feel like Super Mom. Instead, I see all around me that seems undone, things that aren't finished, aren't where they belong. And there is something in me that feels this way, too; feels sloppy and unfinished and not as neat and tidy as I'd like. Even if I manage the external stuff of my life, there is still internal mess that needs dealt with every day.

I sure hope I'm growing in grace. I pray the Lord would be softening me and changing me so that these years would wear well and wear away my rough edges and self-righteousness, that my children would know I am more interested in their hearts than in their bedrooms or their school work.

These nights I have big questions on my mind:
Better to live near family or far away? Will the Lord show up and move us again? Where would the money come from, now that we have put most everything toward debt? Grace-focused church or church pursuing holiness? (I do realized that these aren't exclusive!) How do I give my life up for Christ here and now, today? Can I continue to work from home without losing my mind? (This is what I ask when I am trying to talk on the phone and there is music playing, a baby crying, the oven timer is going off, and five other children are talking, too.)

So, I'm not Super. And there is a lot on my mind. And I know that I can focus on the gifts He has given and that He will continue to work out all things for our good.

1113) He is working out all of this for our good.
1114) Sweet baby head burrowing into my neck.
1115) Baby hands grabbing my necklaces. Boy sucking on any fingers he can get in his mouth.
1116) Provision! He inclined hearts to give us a gift card which covered the gas for the van that He gave us for our weekend trip.
1117) First overnight visit with our friends... really good conversations, blessing of sharing food, sharing life, being vulnerable and worshiping together.
1118) Big boys giggling like crazy while making G do "the pirate dance. Ya."
1119) M (2) is excited for his birthday and keeps saying, "I didn't eat my birthday yet." I'm pretty sure he means his CAKE...
1120) The Lawyer growing in leadership. I'm impressed by this man as he pursues wisdom and invests in training his children.