Monday night again. We had a wonderful family day yesterday. B had today off of work, and just the small change of having Daddy home one more night made such a difference for our hearts. Wonderful to do life as a family. Somehow, though, the weekend seemed so full of have-do-do. There were meals that must be made, a lawn to tend, children to bathe, haircuts, home repairs, loads of laundry, bills to pay, packing to do. In all of that, which is just normal life, I wonder when I am supposed to breathe.
Now, it's dark and all is quiet. B is back in Richmond. I have tears. . . for the shower I didn't fit in today, for the laundry still in the dryer, for the packing that isn't done yet, for the emails and phone calls I haven't returned, for the loneliness of the house at night, for the empty bed upstairs, for all the aches of those I love who are hurting and struggling. The days flash by and I am brought up short. I can't do enough or be enough; I am humbled.
And the theme of my Bible reading lately has been (slavery and) service. Tonight, I'm not sure what to do with that. It all feels too hard right now, and yet I turn back to the promises that He will not leave me, that He establishes the work of my hands, that He is FOR me, that He apportions my days. Oh, I have to believe it's true tonight, when I am weary! It is true that I'm called to serve; that it's not for me to direct my steps or determine my way. That there is life for me in pouring out my life. Oh, this lesson of service is a hard one for me!
Elisabeth Elliot said, "God's curriculum for all who sincerely want to know Him and do His will will always include lessons we wish we could skip. But the more we apply ourselves, the more honestly we can say what the psalmist said: "I, thy servant, will study thy statutes. / Thy instruction is my continual delight; / I turn to it for counsel. / I will run the course set out in thy commandments, / for they gladden my heart" (Psalm 119:23, 24, 32, NEB)."