I always feel a bit. . . introspective and pensive at the end of the year. This year, I'm also feeling lonely and overworked and tired. Ann Voskamp would say to fight feeling with feeling, though, and so I'll move from these feelings of self-pity and refocus on thoughts of gratitude. Oh, wait. That's supposed to be Monday's post.
Really, now. I know I don't have any "right" to complain. As I took a walk this afternoon (very quickly before The Lawyer left), I had quite a talk with the Lord about this. Bottom line: I don't prefer serving my family and I'm pretty darn snotty about it, too. That's why I'm angry- no time, energy, comfort for myself.
Thankfully, by the end of the walk, He had softened me up to conclude that I am where I am supposed to be and that He loves me- even if I don't feel like it. Somehow, that is going to be enough. In that twenty minute walk, I went from "All I do is cook and clean up after little people! And take them potty! And try to teach them- which I'm doing poorly!" to "You love my kids (and me!) more than I do and I'm begging you to mercifully draw them to You- despite me, and I know you are FOR me and them in this."
It feels hard to celebrate Christmas and then to have my husband leave again today. To know that we have done this separation for four months and there is no end in sight. It feels so hard. And then I read this, from Amy's blog. Her circumstances are much different, but I think our conclusion is the same:
You just do the next thing and remember there is a difference between bad and tragic. And you remember the way you felt when it was heavy, and you carry that courage with you next time, to others who are suffering under loads heavier than your own. Because there will be a next time. We are in this together…and it’s no use laying down… and sometimes you just have to cry, be OK with that, and then move on.
Here's to moving on.