I am coming to a rather startling conclusion: there are simply not enough minutes in a day for me to accomplish all that I would like. Perhaps this means I have too many things on my "would like to accomplish today" list. Perhaps I haven't adjusted my list as I have added children. Perhaps I would rather be busy doing all kinds of things that make me feel good when I have completed them, rather than rest in knowing that I can never be good enough or do it all right on my own, apart from Christ.
This has been a concern of mine for quite some time. Lately I have been angry that even when I GO to God and admit my loathfully prideful self-serving and humbly beg for His mercy and aid. . . I STILL can't get done the things that I think ought to be done! I have dutifully made a 24-hour schedule and concluded that there aren't enough slots for the obligations I am trying to squeeze in.
So. . . I must either adjust the list of things that ought to be done or I must adjust my attitude.
Some things seem non-negotiable. I think I OUGHT to have a clean kitchen every night. Dirty dishes piled on the counter is unsuitable. Laundry sitting in the dryer for two days is uncalled for! A bathtub NEEDS to be scoured weekly. And it is unhealthy (and therefore unacceptable!) for our family to eat packaged convenience foods for dinner- or any meal!
And so we cut out much of our traveling and our activities. This was good for us, and yet STILL, time seems to slip away from me with mystifying rapidity.
Even when my list is short, (get kids ready, do breakfast, school, morning chores) it can take literally ALL morning to accomplish. We are interrupted (or divinely detoured?) for training moments and impromptu book reading, by accidents and helping children potty, by hunger and thirst and phone calls and interesting things happening outside. THIS is my life right now.
I've read many helpful blogs. I like the idea of scheduling my day and "accomplishing more than ever before!" and I marvel at the other homeschooling moms who seem to DO so much. There are so many great ideas and yes, many I should/could implement in our home.
When I DO so much, I am not such a great mom. I prefer to be fun and spontaneous, which I am not very often. I've been in task-master mode trying to force us through the day's agenda. . . and it isn't very good for anyone. Oh, how I tremble to think of the opportunities I have missed and the irreparable damage I have done to the little hearts under my care!
Here I am, balancing the demands of managing our home with the privilege of parenting. I'm not even seeking help at this point (because I have seen so many great resources!), just baring my soul a bit. It's ugly. And yet, doesn't that make God's grace so amazing, that He would reach down into my messy life!? He hasn't changed it much yet (my messy life!), so my deepest hope is that He is changing ME, instead.
3 comments:
I could have written this post!
"I marvel at the other homeschooling moms who seem to DO so much." The key word in this sentence is SEEM. I often think that everyone else SEEMS to have it all together but my husband reminds me that it isn't true and that people have actually said things like that about me. If they only knew! For a few weeks when I was feeling as if I was not accomplishing anything in my day I decided to write down every little thing that I did. Boy I was so surprised at how much I was actually doing. It helped to show it to my husband every night just so that I felt like I could prove the reasons why I didn't get alot done. Of course my husband had been trying to tell me I was doing enough all along but I needed proof.
Anyways thanks for the post.
So many times I read your posts and "amen!" them and this is definitely one of those. I am right with you!
For all of the ways that the internet (and reading about those with lives that I am tempted to envy) can distract me from the true first things to which God has called me, I am so thankful that it also brings me the camaraderie of women like you.
Thanks for your openness and I UNDERSTAND!!!
Good post.
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