Day One of the practicum: I cried. I was so totally maxxed out by the entire day. (G was with me in the Ergo from 9-4.) It reminded me how difficult CC was for us the year we participated (when we only had 3 children!). It's a lot to pack up and get people to right places and take care of myself and a baby while trying to learn and process.
Day Two of the practicum: I let go of my hope for O to be in Challenge A with his friend (O's birthday is one month too late for that). I started thinking that maybe the Essentials program would be good for O and R. That night I talked with The Lawyer and realized that Essentials would be a really, really hard thing for me to pull off each week. Let that idea go, too.
Day Three of the practicum: I adjusted to reality and really enjoyed the day. I did learn a lot. I felt the Lord really gave me peace with my decision not to participate with CC but to continue in the classical education model at home. I also realized how great it was to have had that time with G to pay attention to his rhythm. The child CAN sleep for more than 30 minutes and how refreshing that was for my brain (but not my back!). My "one room schoolhouse" plans evolved a bit.
I was challenged by these moms and have been spending time thinking about our upcoming school year. Already, I feel discouraged because I know we can't do all that I want us to do. Really, we don't even do much of what I want us to do. Somehow, our days fly by and I feel like we are hardly accomplishing anything we set out to do. It's so challenging for me to accept the reality of our limited time and energy and the needs of various family members. Things do not look the way I would like them to. And some of that is just ME. . . needing to give thanks and love this mess anyway. And some of it really does need attention.
The thought of redoing my fall schedule makes me shudder. It's an act of madness in that it makes me feel crazy to do it. I spend hours creating what I think is a workable schedule, I cry over all the things that don't fit into the day, and then the first day we try to implement the schedule I cry because there are still so many things that don't fit in. And, surely, more must fit into my day!
I know I need to be okay with what fits in a day, but it's still so hard for me. It's as if I still think about my 24 hours as if they are mine, with so much to be accomplished. And I'm hard on myself when it doesn't look like much got done. Really, the 24 hours are given away and poured out and used up and somehow I must believe that this is the BEST use of time.
I appreciated a post from My Barefoot Farm. She says:
"10. You will never get everything done that needs to be done in a day. Don't be hard on yourself. When you combine children, meals, laundry, school, husband, projects, housework, grocery shopping, etc, you just cannot possibly accomplish it all! Decide what is a priority and save the rest for later. Sometimes the priority needs to be sitting on the porch and hanging out with your kids or playing a board game. Those sticky spots on the kitchen floor? Well, I bet they can wait until tomorrow...or Friday to clean up:-) Just always remember that it is okay to not get your entire list marked off at the end of the day."
Oh, may the day's priorities be made clear for me! And may I rest well, knowing that the Lord knows my time and has established my boundaries and the work of my hands.