Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Scratching the Surface

That's what I feel like I'm doing- living life on the edge with five children. There is so much to be done: laundry, cooking, cleaning, schooling, thank you notes, business, training, exercise, nursing the baby, and so much more. . . and at the end of the day, I've barely scratched the surface.

Isn't this when the priorities rise to the top? Then I shall be happy that M was, indeed, nursed today when he was hungry. I can't say so much for the rest of my list.

The thing is, I know that so many of those things don't matter in the grand scheme. The kids won't remember that we had granola and yogurt for lunch (again) and that their clothes sat in the dryer all day (again). What disturbs me, though, is that I really feel that I'm letting other people down when I stay on the surface. These little people need me (I think). I'm sad that T seems to be struggling and I think if I could figure out how to have 20 minutes with him it may fix something. AND, if I spent more time with L and T perhaps I could escape the unpleasant surprised that happen when they play together... digging out the stones of the patio, emptying all the soap into the sink, dumping the laundry on the floor and using the basket as a boat, strapping the stuffed animals into the baby things... and more. Whew!

And when I don't do school well I feel I'm letting the big boys down. Sure, they don't care now, but I don't ever want them to feel they lacked quality education. If I don't finish the thank yous, I feel bad that the wonderful people in my life aren't given the credit and appreciation they deserve. And you know we have to eat, so I can't very well let that fall too far behind.

SO.. at the end of the day (actually well before the end of it!) I'm feeling behind and ready to cry, for I can't imagine a day where I'll catch up. Even as I try to give myself grace to let the to-do list go. . . I crumble at my inability to even rely on grace the way I want to.

The baby is fed and sleeping. Everyone else ate (really well!) today AND we spent time together. Other things have gone undone. They probably won't get done tomorrow. I'll say I'm okay with it and pray that God makes it so.


Sara Coplin said...

Dear Calli,

My heart breaks for you and the struggles you are facing but I feel blessed by your honesty. Dear friend, I hope you find comfort in the fact that although the TO DO list isn't much of a DONE list, the children are clothed, fed, loved, prayed for and cared for. A mother's job seems so challenging and yet one of the most impact-ful jobs a woman can have. I will continue to pray for you. Please let me know if I can do something for you - maybe bring a meal over or something?


Rebecca said...


You are an amazing Mother and teacher to your little/big ones :). I know you are doing your best with God's strength.

Debbie Millman said...

i'm glad you took time to write this out. although we're in a different season of life, i can relate to never really feeling like everything is finished. last night i went to josh's baseball game with a million things swirling through my head from the day and somehow God helped me to just be there and enjoy the game. i'm grateful for that. love you....