I Believed

At the risk of exposing too much of myself, and offending you, I will share some of my heart this weekend.

Yesterday, I heard myself say to B, "I BELIEVED the Lord was blessing us with another daughter. I was excited. Now I am sad."

When my emotions become overwhelming I need to journal, to sit with my Bible and a notebook and write truth to myself. I need the gospel, to get to it from my first tempestual, emotional thoughts through the first reminders of who God is and what He has promised.

It seems to me that there is a pervasive opinion that married couples should have children (which is scripturally supported). Everyone expects that first baby and what a celebration we have! Then folks aren't surprised when baby #2 comes along and they cheer: now you have a sibling for baby #1, perhaps "one of each!"; things seem tidy. Then baby #3... people are feeling tired for you and yet they understand that three children somehow seems to round out a family. Then baby #4. . . at this point you have seemingly entered "large family" status, your community can hardly muster a celebration, and comments move from congratulations to "you know how this happens, right?" When you move away from status quo there may even be veiled hostility toward you for your choices.

B and I are choosing to believe that it is YHWH who opens and closes the womb. Our thinking has changed as the years have gone by. To be honest, I thought that I had very much to do with my first pregnancy and that we were selectively choosing which months we would like to consider conceiving. Now, without opening a lengthy discussion on contraception and quiver-full ideas. . . I would just like to share my JOY that YHWH has given us confidence to trust His providence. (Mostly! I am trying- though I also think to myself, "I seem very fertile and I don't really want to have 10 kids or anything REALLY crazy!" So, what do we do? Try to trust.)

It is true that I often feel challenged to the maximum as a mommy. It is true that I often do a terrible job of submitting quietly to my husband, of following his leadership, of serving my family with joy. I lose my patience. I forget to look my children in the eyes and affirm them daily. I mess up a lot.

But it is also true that the Lord will not allow the children of the righteous to go hungry, that He says that children are a blessing, that He will not give me more than I can bear, that He has my sanctification in mind, as well as His glory! (Again, I'm not trying to pick a fight!) It is true that even when I believe something, my view is limited. It is infinitely more valuable for me to believe that my God is good and sovereign. He gives and takes away, and ever He is worthy of praise. Whether I am excited or sad, He is constant and Almighty. I believe He will work all this out for His glory and my good.