Year's End

"O Love beyond compare,
Thou art good when thou givest,
                        when thou takest away,
                        when the sun shines upon me,
                        when night gathers over me.
Thou hast loved me before the foundations of the world, and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still, in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.
Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
         leading me through a twisting wilderness,
         in retreat helping me to advance,
         when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead. . . "

(from the Valley of Vision prayer "Year's End")

The baby seems to have another ear infection and can only sleep upright in my arms. The three year old is in my bed, saying that his leg hurts but it will feel better if he sleeps with me. The seven year old is coughing as he listens in the dark to a book on tape. There is not enough of me to go around, it seems, and I am woefully inept at this doctoring that seems to be a large part of mothering in the winter.

And YET.
#382 He loves me!
#383 The sun shines in golden, warming beams through the house.
#384 We are anticipating visitors, the first in so long! It is such joy to prepare for loved ones.
#385 When we run low on fresh produce (end of the month, it is!), the neighbor calls and gives us celery
#386 When the van (and The Lawyer) are in Richmond, a friend offers to loan her van and time to take me and the sickies to the doctor
#387 I will still receive a paycheck this month, when I did very little and still feel unable to do much at all. Isn't that an amazing thing? I love the company I work for.
#388 Snow boots for the boys; we have gone without for so long and these really make winter fun!
#389 A good word for my soul (see above)
#390 There is always a YET. After I voice my fears and sorrows, after I tell Him all that is unsettling, after I talk out all that is on my mind. . . I can come back to the YET, to the promises of His love.

December 26

I always feel a bit. . . introspective and pensive at the end of the year. This year, I'm also feeling lonely and overworked and tired. Ann Voskamp would say to fight feeling with feeling, though, and so I'll move from these feelings of self-pity and refocus on thoughts of gratitude. Oh, wait. That's supposed to be Monday's post. 

Really, now. I know I don't have any "right" to complain. As I took a walk this afternoon (very quickly before The Lawyer left), I had quite a talk with the Lord about this. Bottom line: I don't prefer serving my family and I'm pretty darn snotty about it, too. That's why I'm angry- no time, energy, comfort for myself.

Thankfully, by the end of the walk, He had softened me up to conclude that I am where I am supposed to be and that He loves me- even if I don't feel like it. Somehow, that is going to be enough. In that twenty minute walk, I went from "All I do is cook and clean up after little people! And take them potty! And try to teach them- which I'm doing poorly!" to "You love my kids (and me!) more than I do and I'm begging you to mercifully draw them to You- despite me, and I know you are FOR me and them in this."


It feels hard to celebrate Christmas and then to have my husband leave again today. To know that we have done this separation for four months and there is no end in sight. It feels so hard. And then I read this, from Amy's blog. Her circumstances are much different, but I think our conclusion is the same:


You just do the next thing and remember there is a difference between bad and tragic. And you remember the way you felt when it was heavy, and you carry that courage with you next time, to others who are suffering under loads heavier than your own. Because there will be a next time. We are in this together…and it’s no use laying down… and sometimes you just have to cry, be OK with that, and then move on.

Here's to moving on.

Christmas Eve

We are so close now! So close to Christmas that the excitement is palpable. The last ornament to put on the Noelle calendar; the last time to light the red candles (we'll switch to new white ones tomorrow); the last day of looking at the gifts and wondering. We are still preparing for tomorrow, cleaning and cooking and thinking on this miraculous thing- 
God come down as man for us. Hallelujah!

Generosity Noted

Our family has been doing the family-separated thing for four months now. The Lawyer lives in Richmond (with generous relatives) and commutes downtown to the Attorney General's office. The rest of us are still in Lynchburg, waiting for our house to sell.

Things feel hard, honestly. In fact, I dared to say to The Lawyer that I think this is the most difficult season we have lived. I typically call him when I am in tears- several times a week. The days feel so full and so challenging and so exhausting; and so lonely without him. This is probably why I haven't been posting much. I wonder why it feel so hard; other people with babies seem to be doing better than I am; other people with more children; other people with other, more difficult situations. . .

Maybe it is precisely this, the bringing me to my knees, that I needed. Because my heart is tuned now to see mercy and to recognize generosity all around me. I am desperate for it! And I see it (more and more, I think?) all around me- God's generosity through people, through nature.

#371 A cousin's generosity to open her home. To The Lawyer for months. To our family. A few nights together during the week is SO good for all of us.
#372 A party invitation. From people I don't know. Opening their home, sharing themselves.
#373 Beef from my parents. The BEST meat at a generously inexpensive price.
#374 The Lawyer, compelled to expand the budget for generous gifts. A heart that loves!
#375 Celebration! Kerri Ellen, our newest niece, is born!
#376 Gift of chocolate (I'm pretty sure I've listed this before, but every time I have a chocolate from the cupboard, I'm thankful again!)
#377 Christmas concert at St. John's. The big boys stood for nearly 2 hours during the concert because there weren't seats for us. I joined them after the first 1/2 hour and gave my seat to someone (who didn't have a wiggly baby to hold)). The music- oh, the music! Christmas music that swelled my heart and lifted it.
#378 One good night of sleep. Just enough to keep me going.
#379 Boxes under the Christmas tree, generous gifts from grandparents and siblings.
#380 A few quiet minutes to pray and read and seek.

First Snow December 2010

There's nothing like a snow day! No school! Hot chocolate and a movie at the neighbors! Cookie baking and present wrapping and book reading under blankets! Chili by candlelight and outside lights reflecting off the snow in the cold darkness. . .

L (5) in "the green jumpsuit"

R (7) in his new glasses

O (9). I think he looks kind of cold!

First order of business: trying out the sleds down the sidewalk.

T (3) wasn't crying so much this year about being cold.

M (7 months) looks happy to stay inside and watch at the door.

Reality and Gratitude

Well! Once again, it's late at night on a Monday, and I am compelled to add to my Gratitudes list (because, after all, it is Monday). Maybe no one else has noticed, but I've detected a pattern to my Monday posts: whine, face reality, count gratitudes and come back to a place of faith and hope. Even though it ends well, I'm thinking that the whining/complaining bit really is out of place. So, tonight, I'll skip to the reality:

My arms feel like they are going to fall off = #358 A body that can DO p90x! It always feels good when I'm done exercising!

I finally went Christmas shopping tonight = #359 The simplicity of one gift. #360 The boundaries of a budget. #361 The anticipation of making my loved ones happy. #362 The service of a friend who kept the children. #363 A free sugar cookie from the bakery- yum!

R (7) and M (7 mo) both had ear infections = #364 Easier to remember to give antibiotics and probiotics to two. #365 Loving my lovey baby again.

Husband is still in Richmond and commuting = #366 Going to bed in work out clothes because I can.

I'm anticipating Christmas. #367 Baking treats that bring smiles. #368 Finding something very fun! I can ask for (these beautiful jewelery clips instead of the plastic ones I wear) #369 Gifts from my mom are always great; we are all looking forward to them!

And even though I have calendars to work on, #370 I'm under warm covers with children close by and the only sound is the steam in the radiators.

And Given Grace

It seems Elisabeth Elliot is speaking to me again.

Here is an excerpt from her writing that was delivered to my email box today (on teaching children self denial):

"The demands on Val [her daughter], as on any mother of small children, are pretty relentless, of course. She does all the housework with the help of the children (a schedule of chores is posted on the refrigerator). People usually gasp when I tell them the number of my grandchildren. "Wow," said one, "it takes a special woman to have that many children." Special? Not really. Millions have done it. But it takes grace, it takes strength, it takes humility, and God stands ready to give all that is needed."

When I'm lacking grace with those I love, I am brought humbly back to the cross, where I ask for more grace and the mercy that I needed new again this morning. Somehow it is very comforting to know that the "great" missionary Elisabeth Elliott's daughter had similar moments, too.

Oh, for grace, strength and humility!

Puddley Again

Time for bed and I'm thinking back over the day. In this quiet, with lovely Christmas lights and dark shadows, it is hard for me to believe that I thought I was going to fall apart just a few hours ago- when the baby was just going to bed and the children were using their outside voices downstairs and the dinner was still out and the dishes piles and everything a mess.

I felt very puddley, bowing my head against the stove and begging the Lord to carry me with His grace. The big boys whispered that I was crying and I guess they decided that maybe they should bring things down a notch and even help me. L was sent upstairs and she fell asleep listening to praise songs while I did dishes (doesn't that melt your heart?). T went to play trains.

And there are still dishes. But I played Uno with the three boys and nursed the baby again and prayed blessings over my girl.

The days feel so impossibly full and I resent feeling rushed to get in all that feels important. Each night I go to bed weary and yet wondering if I did enough of the "right" things that day. What a humbling season! Or maybe my life will always be this! There is little me and so many needs around me and I keep messing up. My words are often quick and harsh and I know I'm not the mom/wife/person I want to be.

And yet... there is a gorgeous poinsettia on the counter next to me- a gift from a visitor yesterday. Really, a gift from my good Father. (I said I would like one but couldn't buy one and He gifted it to me!) It is bright and beautiful and just looking at it fills me with hope. There is hope for puddley me because He came and entered into my mess and is drawing me up to Him.

Someone Used the Camera = Life Here

If life could be grasped, held onto like grains of sand in cupped palms. . . wouldn't it just all spill over anyway? All the goodness, all the sorrow, the moments and memories are too much to hold.

I've been feeling especially grateful this week as the extra-amazing things keep piling up, so many graces that my hands are full. I pray the graces and the bounty are spilling out on the people around me. (Our pastor calls this a grace splash party!)

Even the regular things of life seem good, so I'm smiling that someone borrowed the camera. . . and took these photos, which I can appreciate for the glimpse of reality that they are.

#340 Generosity (oh, such generosity!) of friends- the gift of chocolate!
#341 Another morning to "sleep in" with my husband
#342 Amazing generous offer of friends- to pay for some life coaching
#343 Pepperoni in the freezer, awaiting Christmas Eve
#344 Candle light at dinner
#345 Steaming soup and crackers
#346 A new book!
#347 Good news about refinancing our home
#348 Sweet boy voice, "That made Jesus happy!"
#349 Baby on the potty
#350 A long bath
#351 Boys working to build a fire
#352 Playing Rummikub on the floor by the fire
#353 J-41 shoes (love them! Hope they hold together.)
#354 Deer season success (I'm happy even if I don't get anything from it.)
#355 Healthier families because we shared what God gave us (JuicePlus+)
#356 Noel Calendar in the morning
#357 Jesse Tree readings in the dark

Family Pancake

We love pancakes. I make them about every weekend when, theoretically, I have more time. But, I've been wanting something different on weekday mornings that is hot and easy. After looking around a bit, here is what I came up with. It's yummy! And I can use my Falls Mill baking mix! (Loving this stuff because I don't have to use a leavening agent or salt and I rarely add a sweetener. It saves me time!) We have used frozen mixed berries on the bottom (but it takes longer to cook) or apples (and/or fresh or frozen cranberries). I prefer to use our cast iron skillet but have also increased the recipe to 3s and used a 9X13 stoneware dish.

Easy Family Pancake
2 Tbl. butter
2 Apples
2 Tbl. sweetener (we use sucanat or honey)
2 cups milk (we usually use almond milk)
2 cups Falls Mill baking mix (you could use flour and 2 tsp. baking soda)
2 eggs

Looks easy, right? The simple recipe above is the basic plan (so easy I can memorize it), and here is what I usually do:

1. Melt butter in cast iron skillet. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Slice apples (or dice or peel; whatever you prefer!). Toss with sweetener and a little cinnamon. (We also like cranberries; pecans are AWESOME.) Add to skillet. Cook until softening (about 5-10 minutes, depending on how large your slices are).
3. In blender, measure milk. Add eggs and baking mix. Blend until smooth.
4. When fruit is ready, pour pancake mixture over top. Place skillet in 350 oven and bake for 15-30 minutes (depending on your fruits and size of skillet), until golden brown and set in the middle.
5. Cut into wedges and serve with a tiny drizzle of maple syrup. Yum!

The Germ Experiment

It is that time of year again, and you know what I mean. Not only is it the blessed season of Advent, but it also the season when colds, flu, and other bugs seem to come out of hiding. No one wants to be sick or to have sick kids, so it's time to take preventative measures! (I can say this because we've already been sick.)

My friend Sue is a nurse and her blog has some great, practical tips. One of them is HAND WASHING.

Now, in our home, there are about... five people who are averse to washing their hands regularly. This mama is tired of the refrain, "Did you wash your hands?". . . followed by the dubious, "Let me smell." Yes, I've been reduced to this.

ENTER... the Germ Experiment. (I confess that I read something similar on another blog one time.)

I lined up the children in the kitchen this week and explained to them that they were sick because of germs (very untechnical we are); germs that they couldn't see but which got into their bodies and made them feel awful. I gave each of them a drop of olive oil in their palm and asked them to rub their hands together. Then, I put a small pinch of cinnamon in their hands and asked them to rub them together again. Voila- cinnamon germs all over their hands. (This would have been more effective if I had one shake hands and pass the germs to the next child.) Then, I asked them to wash their hands- with water.

Nothing. Germs remain.

Then, they washed with soap and rubbed their hands while they counted to 10 (I think it's supposed to be 15). Voila- clean hands!

They seemed impressed, though it was so simple. Hopefully, I'll have to say less now that they have a picture in their minds and the memory of their physical discomfort.